McGinley Baby Journey

1/5 Preschooler, 4/5 Momma's Boy

2012-01-14T16:08:00.000-06:00

With the upcoming I Can! Arts & Resource Center (where Eli's Memorial Courtyard will be located. A center designed for special needs children to take dance, art, and music classes)groundbreaking coming up, I knew it was time. Walker D, my sweet baby boy, is just not small and meak enough to go with me to meetings anymore. He requires constant entertainment, as well as he loves being the constant entertainer. Meetings were beginning to be alot more in the fall and I knew this day was coming...afterall, his Papa was probably getting tired of daddy calling him the night before to see if he could watch this bubby 2 year old while momma had to be gone to a meeting that next day. His Papa has graciously agreed to keep him nearly once a week or so when these meetings came up. But we just knew things were about to pick up.

And they did.... Quickly.

I've sheltered this little boy and raised him the past 2 years in effort to protect him and cherish every.single.minute with him. Time is so precious. We know this all too well.

January 25th, we will be breaking ground on this new innovative center on live Arkansas television. It's time that momma gets busy and Walker D go to 'school' (actually a Mothers Day Out program that is a christian-based pre-school setting).

There is a special place that I knew he would go when it was time. And luckily they had a spot for him. So we are testing the waters and he will go one day a week to 'school'. This week, he kept talking about going to 'school' and riding 'de-bus'.

Weeeelllllllll, there's no bus Walker D. But he didn't understand. School = school bus.

He did well at 'school' that day. His new teacher would text us pictures of him through out the day. She said he ate 'most' of his lunch and napped during nap time well. Said he was the socializer (which did not surprise us at all). Said he was sweet to a crying little boy. Walker apparently took him a stuffed giraffe and asked him if he was 'ok'. Sweet huh?

When Momma and Daddy went to pick him up from his first day of 'school', what did Walker D do? He turned around, said "hi mom!" and went back to the kitchen station he was playing with.

Well, then. Hi to you too, Walker D.

Getting him to leave and convincing him that he would be back next week was a challenge because he wanted to stay and play. I guess this is a good sign. In follow up with a promise, we took him to go see his cousins get off 'de-bus' on our way home. The child is in love with a school bus.

So we both win. Momma gets one day a week to plan for her meetings to get this center up and rolling. Walker D gets to 'socialize'.

Dear Lord, thank you for giving us the life of this happy, healthy, and smart precious little boy. He truly gives us the meaning of life and a reason to live in your name. I cannot give you enough praise or enough thank yous for this little life. How did we deserve such a gift? I hope we do not let you down. I pray that we do not let our precious Eli down. I pray that this I Can! Arts & Resource Center be done in your time, your reasons, your will. Thank you for making ends meet to allow us to be a part of this project. One day at a time. Amen.

Tell them Eli's Parents Sent You!

2012-01-06T20:32:00.000-06:00

Our dear friend Crystal at Ness has launched the Eli bag! And people are beginning to receive their own Eli bag they ordered. We are LOVING the emails and texts that we've received when one of our friends or family received their bag. You can tell they are proud! And I must say, Jesse and I are thrilled for Crystal in producing her dream-come-true! She has made 2 incredibly beautiful bags which from what I can tell, are doing well! The colors are fabulous and the meaning behind the bag, Ness meaning "miracle" in Hebrew, tells the story of 2 little babies who are doing wonderful things - Eli & Mamie.

www.nessbags.com

The Eli Bag

Here is the link to the information on the Eli bag:

http://www.nessbags.com/index.html#/eli/

Please note that when you purchase an Eli bag or a Mamie bag from Ness, you are supporting 2 organizations who are commited to educating families in birth defects (Project E.L.I.) and preserving memories (Mamie's Poppy Plates). A portion of all bag sales goes towards that organization! That means when you purchase an Eli bag, Ness will turn around and support Project E.L.I.!

Really, what does that mean?

It means we are able to distribute more copies of the Project E.L.I. documentary to families in need, families who are questioning the little life growing in side of them. It means getting these copies into the hands of OB/GYNs in hopes of understanding that these lives are very special!

One baby saved or one parent given hope- our job is done!

Via Ness Website:

- Three interior & three exterior pockets
- Adjustable straps allow you to carry the bag
three different ways
- Available in black, red, dark brown, and light
brown

Please visit Ness today at www.nessbags.com or on their facebook page www.facebook.com/nessbags

(Tell them Eli's parents sent you!)

Defeat Is Not An Option

2011-12-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

Happy December from us! I feel like the Lord has put it on my heart to write a bit tonight. Maybe someone out there needs to hear something of this rambling that I have to give :) Today marked our Team Eli / Thirty-One Drop-in fundraiser at our home. I'm blessed to have family and friends who have donated to Eli's memorial and also who have given to this Thirty-One fundraiser to help us raise the funds to make his memorial complete. I have even received word that 2 ladies have ordered whom I don't know personally. Assuming that one is a blog reader and the other was one that just heard Eli's story I'm told, I want to thank you- that just melted my heart that you don't have to be connected by location to be impacted by a life.

I had some raw feeling come up since yesterday about a few things Eli. Days like these are never good and are usually a result of lack of sleep. I don't do this often but have found myself able to tear up at a drop of a hat when things don't go how I think they are supposed to go regarding him or anything related to him. I suppose I can blame it on me being a protective mother. And yes, even though your child has passed on, you can still be protective of them. But the holidays have never ceased to amaze me at how each one has made emotions come back. We all get lost in our own family planning and present buying that we don't realize that someone is hurting. I used to be the worlds worse at this. But since Eli, I get it.

Its supposed to be about family. But what do you do when yours is incomplete?

Incomplete:

Cannot bare a child
miscarried a child
lost a parent
lost a spouse
lost a child

These are the people who wake up each day and hurt, but December makes it worse. So.much.worse. You see everyone around you having a good time, enjoying their family with food and laughs when all you want is to have your family. Speaking for Jesse and I, we don't want to go through this alone.

We I am afraid to go through this alone.

So when a friend brings us something for "E" at Christmas, or on his birthday, or sometimes 'just because', what it says to me is -I am thinking about you-. And those are treasures to us. We keep them all. Some have even brought things back from vacation because they know we like to take it out to Eli's house.

The past 28 months have been humbling and hell. Most days have been good. But Satan really knows where to attack you on your weakest days. Its a struggle because hopelessness is a real emotion with waking up each morning without your child. And for us, it a pot full of mixture between hopelessness and guilt, unfortunately. We are blessed to have a support system - of close friends, friends of friends, and of course some family who try to be with us during these events for Eli. I must tell you- if it weren't for them, I think I would have fallen apart a long time ago. When you show up, when you support, when you lend your shoulder, when you listen to me ramble on about him or the garden or the I Can! Arts & Resource Center, when you purchase my Pink Llama Shop stuff, when you send cards, when you send a text, when you bring things for E, and when you simply remember him when you see that random dandelion- you are saving me from Satan's wrath. YOU are what is keeping me afloat.

I receive comments sometimes about how 'strong' I am and how well I handle it. Well, now you know my truth. Its these people in our lives who hurt with me because I'm afraid of hurting alone.

These 2 babies we have with us have given Jesse and I a reason to push forward. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed we are.

Strangers in life are also a blessing. Julie told me tonight that a teenage boy approached her this morning after she spoke at a church breakfast. He asked to see the memorial brick that she spoke about (Brick Sponsorship for Eli's memorial garden & I Can! Arts & Resource Center) . She said he picked it up, paused, and said "I know this name. I sit at his grave at the cemetery." Intrigued, she found him a few minutes later and asked him if he knew Eli's family. He told her no, but that sometimes he goes out there. Why? He said he just likes to go out there and talk.

I do the same thing, too, buddy.

What a blessing that was to my ears as Julie told me, as I realized that someone knew my Eli without knowing him. They spend time in prayer with him. They remember him. My friend Tina has gone out there to see him too, also without knowing him. I have a lot to learn from others. I am a very selfish individual who doesn't want anyone to forget about my son. But what God wants to assure me is that he's not forgotten. He's mine forever. We can and will celebrate with him soon- just not now.

My prayers are that we are able to positively continue our work within the special needs community for both obvious reasons (the need) and for selfish reasons I suppose- And I pray that I can be a friend to others with rememberance for the rest of my life as well as they have been to me. You know who you are!

At the drop-in today, we wanted to show everyone what we've been looking at for his memorial. This is one of the few that we have picked out. Now you get a sneak peak:

Please know that you can order Thirty-One gear for Team Eli until December 11th here:
www.mythirtyone.com/cbokker

Carly Bokker, THANK YOU! Thank you for giving your time and heart into this fundraiser for our special little boy and the angels who are with him in Heaven. You have impacted my life forever by your giving spirit. I hope someday I am able to repay you for your generosity! Thank you Thirty-One!

And for our family and friends who supported this fundraiser with prayers or with orders- THANK YOU!!!

Thirty-One Fundraiser for Eli's Memorial Garden

2011-11-23T23:54:00.000-06:00

Dear Friends, please help us raise money for Eli's memorial garden!

We have been generously given a Thirty-One fundraising catalog party by rep Carly Bokker. Our party will run 3 weeks and all proceeds from your purchases will go towards Eli's memorial garden! We're not quite ready to release what we're thinking about for Eli's bronze statue, but we can assure you its precious! Here are the event details!

When: 11/23 thru 12/9

Where: www.mythirtyone.com/cbokker

You will be directed to :"Shop Now" on the Team Eli link when you click "Place An Order" at the top of the page.

Team Eli will also be hosting a drop in on Saturday, 12/3 from 11:00-1:00 p.m. at our home if anyone is interested in stopping by to visit, to see thirty-one products and place their order, or just to eat some yummies! Please email us at jodie@teameli.com if you need directions or to rsvp!

You can place your order thru 12/9. This party will have Christmas delivery so its perfect to go shopping with!

Click here for the Facebook Event information

Powder On

2011-10-26T14:30:00.000-05:00

Momma has to work these days. When she's not embroidering for Pink Llama Shop, she's on the phone working on A Royal Night Out stuff, or the I Can! Arts & Resource Center .When she's not doing that, she's usually changing diapers, folding clothes, picking up cars in the corners of the house, or letting the dog out. But she most certainly does not have time to clean up this! But when he walked in my back sewing room looking like this, I just couldn't help but laugh. He got into the baby powder. How cute is that! Life is just too short to be mad.

But as a few minutes went by and Walker kept dancing around in front of me with a white cloud of dust following him, I realized that I better get up and check things out.... Great thing I did. I had no idea a blizzard was heading to Arkansas.

Bad news: Momma had yet, another mess to clean up.

Good news: Atleast his room smelled good!

Ellie: 6 Months of Our Miracle

2011-10-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

6 Months ago, our surprise little girl, Ellie Reese McGinley, made her presence into this world as a perfect 6lb 12oz baby, surrounded by health care friends who wanted to see a happy ending to this tragic chapter. They made it happen. They gave us our happy ending. And God gave us our healthy baby. And he made Eli & Walker big brothers. He gave Walker another half.

Unphased by the change, Walker went about his day, playing with his thousands of toys and acting as though nothing would damage his #1 status. But he was soon finding out that he no longer ruled this house, nor our Community. Mr. East End himself had been partnered with another McGinley- one he would have to learn how to share with.

6 months its taken for her to learn how to smile, roll around, shake her toys in the air, and learn who exactly Walker D was. When Walker walks into the room, she lights up. Walker might as well have hung the moon in her eyes. She loves him. And he loves her. And now, some of the first things that comes out of his mouth in the morning involve "Where's shishy?"

Its a zoo around our house each day. But we've embraced it because we know that we are lucky to be here. In fact, luck has nothing to do with it. We are blessed to be where we are. We are blessed to have these 3 in our lives. We miss Eli. But we celebrate. And we live happily where we are in life for the sake of the 2 little lives that He chose to keep here with us. Forget the messy floors or the dust bunnies in the corners. Let's dance!

We are the proud parents of Eli. Walker. Ellie

Ellie Reese, you are a whopping 18lbs 6oz. You are extremely healthy, beautiful, and perfect. You still sleep all night. You love the baby mum-mum rice cake cookie things. You LOVE being held. You have 1 hairbow per outfit. Your feet are still so little that shoes will not stay on them. But little socks that look like shoes have saved our lives :) A princess cannot go out without a bow and some "shoes". You can sit up pretty well now. And your beautiful with your ears pierced. (Thanks Paw!) You are perfect and you have healed our hearts like nothing could. God had a plan for us. We didn't realize it. But he knew we'd be ok. He was sending you to us to prepare us for happiness. You are our calm after the storm and we promise a happy childhood for you and Walker. We will do everything in our power to protect you, to teach you about faith, and to tell you where you came from (and the little angel that is with you always).

Happy 6 months, Ellie Reese. Its been the happiest 6 months of our lives.

The Eli Bag by Ness

2011-09-24T08:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, our first born twin baby boy now has a bag created in his name by the new company, Ness, to raise spina bifida awareness. I must tell you, I couldn't be a more proud momma today.

I met Crystal Goss about 3 months after Eli's passing at a UAMS medical conference that I spoke at. Crystal, a momma of 2 little boys, both preemie NICU babies, also was there to tell her story. As we were sitting and listening to the conference, Crystal leaned over and asked "So what's your story". Well.....I took a breath and let it all out, leaving this beautiful brunette in a look of stunned. Maybe even more of a deer in headlight look gazed back at me. Then I began to question whether or not I was ready to talk about 'our story'. I think it was actually the first time I had let it all out to a complete stranger. Crystal just happened to be the one who asked first. And about that time, she was introduced by the speaker and she walked up to the podium and I never got a chance to ask her about her own story but began hearing it as the audience heard it themselves. Crystal's NICU stories of her two little men where stories of strength that I just could not imagine. They both spent numerous weeks in the NICU. And from there, she became an advocate for the March of Dimes.

Speed ahead a year and she offered to take our photos for the Project E.L.I. premiere. To this day, I don't know that she truly knows how much this meant to us. I love these pictures. We had a hard cover book made of them so that we could give it to Walker one day. To us, the Project E.L.I. Documentary Premiere was kind of like Eli's funeral/celebration of life. The day we buried him seems to be a blur. I could barely walk from the swelling. It was atleast 105 degrees outside. And exhaustion had overtaken our bodies. We don't remember much from that day. And we don't want to. But one year later nearly to the day, we celebrated. And we have beautiful pictures to give us that much more hope that his life had profound purpose.

Speed ahead to earlier this year- Julie Mayberry and I met with Crystal during lunch one day at my house. I knew if Crystal wanted to meet with us, it was big. And sure enough, it was. Crystal began to tell us her vision of a bag line in memory of little lives that inspire. Without ruining the surprise, I will stop there. But I do want to help introduce to you Ness: Every Life Inspires. Please click on the link below to check out Crystal's dream. She has 3 different bags that a portion of their proceeds will go to their organizations: Mamie's Poppy Plates, March of Dimes, and of course, Project E.L.I. Documentary fund.

It is an honor to be a part of this. Our journey with Eli & Walker gave us many new opportunities and many new friends. I love seeing Eli's spirit live on.

http://thenessblog.com/2011/09/24/introducing-the-eli-bag/

The Potty Chart

2011-08-20T11:29:00.000-05:00

In effort NOT to have the toddler who is 3 years old and not potty trained, we decided that at 2 years 2 weeks old, its time to introduce Walker to the potty.......really introduce him to the potty. Needless to say, our days started out like this-

"Hey Walker, lets go potty". ......silence.......and he walks into his bathroom, proceeds to set his catepillar into the potty and walk off.

Fail.

Now introducing the potty chart method! We go to target, buy some cute little stickers and we hang a poster above his potty.

"Hey Walker, lets go potty". And BAM! We have a winner! He wants to sit on the potty all of the time! So everytime he at least makes an *attempt*, he gets a sticker to place on his chart. This was also a slow go method the first day because once he placed his sticker on his chart, he kept sitting back down on his froggy potty to get another sticker. Luckily that battle only last the first day until he caught on.

So this goes on for about 4 days successfully, just Walker D and I. But this week, Jesse comes home from work and says "Walker, lets go to the potty". And little man follows in behind him. A few minutes later I hear a scream across the house- "WALKER PEE-PEED IN THE POTTY!!!!". (include a vicious laughter here because Jesse knew...)

Are you flipping kidding me?

I work with the kid for days vigilantly and Jesse takes him in ONE TIME and he pees in the potty? (rolls eyes). Of course. Of course he would.

I love this life. I love my boys. I love my girl. I love this life. :)

My Midweek Randoms

2011-08-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

I would like to keep this family in your prayers this week. They are scheduled to have twins on Friday. Its a dear blog that I have read for the past few years. They lost their son, Cohen, to a heart defect after a week of life. They were soon expecting twins which seem to be doing great. Please pray for them in the coming days. Their Blog
I haven't mentioned yet that we broke ground for the new I Can! Arts & Resource Center a few weeks ago, next door to Walker's 2nd birthday party at the mexican restaurant (which was a bit sentimental). Julie had a great idea to take Eli's balloons for his *present* we send up to him on their birthday next door while they were clearing the land and have the children release them there. And so we did- in the same area Eli's memorial garden will be. Hopefully next year at this time on the twins 3rd birthday, we'll be releasing his *heaven* balloons to him IN his memorial garden. :)

He did, baby girl. I know he did.

Anyone wanting a personalized brick or tree in Eli's memorial garden can go to
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/communityconnections/i-can-arts-resource-center
( I will be talking more about this progress in the coming months now that the ground breaking has been complete. Let the building begin!)
Have I mentioned we have handed out close to 1100 Project E.L.I. dvds so far? They are still being requested, handed out to families, handed out to health care facilities. Its been an amazing journey started by some amazing people. Its an honor to be a part of this. A bigger honor to have him as a son.

Atleast We Know We're Safe....(right?)

2011-08-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Walker, the terrible 2's aren't so bad, are they? Life as a super hero is every boys dream. All you do every day is fly around, just you and E Monkey. You get up in the mornings ready for your go-go-juice (chocolate milk). And you certainly won't let momma forget about it because you walk her to the pantry and pull out that bright yellow chocolate milk container and hand it to me.

After you finish that, its time for what all super-hero double-troubles do: you watch cartoons. You know the songs so well you choose to sing what usually sounds like the last words to each verse. Who knew super hero's could sing?

Although you are a fairly new super hero, we're learning to potty train. Super hero's cant save the world while peeing their pants, right? So we set up a sticker chart above your froggy potty so that you can always be assured you will see your good work each time you (try) to go. Super hero's MUST see a job well done.

You love to save your parents from ants. You purposely walk outside to find them on the concrete. Those mean little ants. I'm sure glad we have you to stomp them for us. I don't know what we'd do without you.

The world is such a better place with you around-

*Special thanks to Lots O Capes for designing WD and E's capes. You can check them out here:

http://www.sewplainjane.com/

Happy 2nd Birthday Here and In Heaven

2011-08-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to share with you all about this bittersweet week. But for now, I want to share with you how we spent the evening of August 3rd. Jesse, Walker, Ellie, and I went out to Eli's house to take him his birthday presents. We've had extreme heat here in Arkansas so we had to wait until late that evening to go. But we did have a good time considering-

As soon as we pulled up, Walker says "bubba!" I think he's beginning to realize this is his bubba's 'house'. Walker's getting so smart.

Walker and "Shishy" went to Firefly Studio and made Eli a birthday present with their hand prints and footprints-

Trinkets hung in Eli's tree that Julie, Jami, and Laura bought for his birthday.

Walker is beginning to associate Eli's angel as his 'bubba'. He kissed him and told him "Bye Bye!" like an innocent 2 year old would do. Jesse and I looked at each other and I can't speak for him, but I think we both became teary-eyed. Happy birthday to our sweet baby boys. I'm almost sure that Heaven is so marvelous that birthdays don't matter. But I cannot let a birthday slide by without you, Eli. You both deserve the best.

The Many Faces of Almost 2

2011-07-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

Walker Daniel McGinley, one year ago you were this chubby-cheeked smiley, little guy who was in the 9th percentile of being kinda small for your age. You loved your milk, you sleept through the night. You were our pride and joy. You were the face of a miracle.

TODAY

Today, you are 1-week away from you and Eli's 2nd birthday! And boy, do you have some faces....

You are one of the happiest toddlers I've ever witness. Not afraid of a thing. You love to climb things of course. What boy doesn't? But you also love TEA to drink now and JUICE (juice boxes = mess). You love meat just like your daddy.

We now know what a terrible temper you have and Mommy is ashamed to say it but it definitely comes from your Atchison / italian side of the family. But your pretty easy to please.

You love books, which makes Mommy happy. Mommy loves children's books and she smiles everytime you bring one to her to read to you.

Walker, you love to swim. I think you were a fish in your previous life. Definitely not scared to slide or go under water. And you love strangers. You tell them you love them. You wave at them. You are the perfect Wal-mart child who engages everyone in conversation as they walk by.....scary....and old people love you.

Is this a good picture of what the future is going to be like with your "shishy"? You look like your about to strangle her. I'm sure her paybacks are coming....fast. But she smiles at you when you talk to her. You like to stack your dvds on her and she smiles at you still. She loves you alot big brother.

Happy (almost) 2nd birthday, Walker Daniel. You are still what we live for and your a reminder of hope for us and anyone who is struggling. I hope one day you know how much you are loved. Every day, you are a reminder to me that I almost didn't get to have you in our arms. I cannot imagine life without you and your brother's time with us. And because I'm reminded this each day, I'm not quick to loose my temper with you. I take the time to sit and listen to find out your needs. You, my love, have made me a better, more appreciative parent. You gave me patience. I love you-
Mommy

The Truth About August

2011-07-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

Its been my least favorite month of the year for as long as I can remember. Maybe it was because of the heat. Or maybe it was because I knew school started back that month. But nontheless, I disliked it.

Two weeks away from the twins 2nd birthday. I think this year seems harder than last year. We purposely have Walker's birthday party on the last weekend of July. Maybe its because we don't want to face August. We know what shortly follows August 3rd: the 8th. And it hurts my feelings. I just want it to be another day again. But its getting harder to breath-

I wish I could just sleep thru that entire week. But then I would miss Walker's birthday party. We can't do that....

One guarantee on August 8th: you can't hide from God. We tried to bury ourselves last year on the 8th in our house. We turned our phones off and hid; only to find out we were pregnant that day with this beautiful gift:

So maybe the 8th of August doesn't have to be a burden afterall. Maybe it can be seen as a day of faith and a day of healing. Yes, we mourn our son, but we also celebrate a miracle in a life that surprised us. No pregnancy this year on the 8th, that's for sure! But this year, since we have to get through it, we'll get through it as a family:

August will come and go. But my love for my children and the blessings we were given will remain a steadfast meaning in my life. This is what I live for.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. - Psalm 68:19

Update on PP Racing Turtle

2011-07-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

He was the best decorated...

The fastest...

(upper right)

He had the most fans...

And the best trainer of all...

A true champion of fierce turtlemanship...

Congrats P.P. on your 2011 Lakeside Turtle Race Win. You gave us all a run for our money.

The End.

P.P. Turtle

2011-07-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

Walker has a new turtle.

It's a racing turtle.

It's for a turtle race at the local 4th of July festivities.

"Walker, what do you want to name your turtle?" says Jesse

Walker responds:

"P.P"

(pause here)

Both of us bust out in laughter!

So. we now have P.P. racing turtle. We had to take him outside to train him today.

For Good Reasons

2011-06-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, yes I have been a blog slacker the past 2 weeks. Yes, I have good reasons. Read on to learn why.

Anniversary

Jesse &; I celebrated our 7 year anniversary this past weekend, June 19th, which also served as Father's Day. How appropriate for this family that was. We had also planned to triple that celebration on Sunday and have Ellie's baptism. Anniversary + Father's Day + Ellie's baptism = ~~happy day.~~ That was until I came down with mastitis infection #2. Weeks after we brought Ellie home, I came down with a mastitis infection that was quickly routed by antibiotics. I didn't expect a 2nd infection but sure enough, one took hold last week. The antibiotics were not working and I had flu symptoms with 102.8 fevers. My mom had to take care of the kids and I for a few days last week. As those symptoms got worse, I was led to a surgeon at Baptist Medical Center and then to a breast center for ultrasound. Luckily, they opted to put me on a 2nd antibiotic before they made any move which stopped the spreading infection fairly quickly. Today, I am functional again.

Ellie's Spine

Ellie enjoyed her 2-month appointment last week. She weight in at 10lbs 10oz and took her shots in her legs like a trooper. But there was one concern sitting heavy on Jesse and I's heart that we've waited to ask Dr. Irwin.

Weeks after Ellie came home, being the paranoid mom I am, I thought to myself that Ellie's spine looked crooked. It looked to have a c-curvature to it. But being a flimsy infant and also knowing that paranoia was taking shape, I told myself that it was nothing and that I need not to worry. But weeks later, out of the blue, Jesse was holding Ellie and said "do you think her spine looks crooked?". My jaw dropped. If he noticed it and I noticed it, was this really true? And for fear of being judged, I cringed at the thought of asking Dr. Irwin to look at her back. I don't want to be that paranoid parent. I didn't want to see a grin, I didn't want to hear a affirmation, I didn't want to feel judged. I just wanted some assurance. And Dr. Irwin handled my concern with stride as she felt of her spine with the tips of her fingers. She told me that everything looked good but she wanted an xray just to make sure. Xray #1: crooked. Xray #2: crooked. Her call the next afternoon caught me by surprise as she told me the Radiology report came back saying "Fetal Congenital Scoliosis" (a cousin to spina bifida). She was sending us to Arkansas Children's Hospital for a repeat xray.

And we're ok with this. I think our entire family and best friends were scratching their heads as were we wondering how this happened....again. But Jesse and I weren't panicked. In fact, we've seen worse. We've lived worse. If fetal congenital scoliosis was her diagnosis, then so it was. But it didn't change the fact that she's perfect and we're lucky to have her. But this did bring to light the fact that if her repeat xray confirmed this diagnosis, we are finished having children. Some people just weren't meant to have children. I'm not saying we weren't meant to have Walker and Ellie, but our track record stands against us:

5 pregnancies
3 births
2 living children

No one wants to inflict birth defects on their children, nor would someone do it intentionally. Our hearts hurt knowing that she could possibly be faced with this physical problem the rest of her life....because we created her. But being reminded by Eli as he proved to us, she was created for a purpose.

What about the xray results from ACH you ask?

Well, we are still waiting confirmation but we've been told so far that they will rule her curvature as "positional" right now since she's an infant and will want her rescanned when she's able to walk and stand on her own for a better look at her spine. Some things weren't meant to be known right now I suppose. And that's ok with us.

Hope for Ellie.

Kathy Lo Rocks: My Mother's Day Present

2011-06-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

A late mother's day for me! Its been by far the best one yet! I've had this dainty little charm in my 'favorites' list on Etsy for months now, trying to find an excuse to buy it. But outside of finding cute girly items for the then upcoming baby girl, an extra for Momma just wasn't in the budget. Jesse asked me what I wanted for mother's day and this was the first thing that came to mind! Feel free to ohhhh and ahhhh (and look closely).

This is a sterling silver round picture pendant from Kathy Lo Rocks out of California. I found her on Etsy.com but she also has a rockin Facebook page which I personally follow.

I've wanted this to hold our precious Eli even closer to my heart. My completion in life now with Walker and Ellie still holds this empty place for Eli. But my heart longed for one of these so I could carry him with me daily too as I do them.

To give you a visionary look, this pendant is smaller than a dime. They have all sorts of shapes and sizes but I loved the tiny-ness of this one. Its enough for me to know its there but not large enough that its the first thing people see. I love big bold colors but for personal things such as this, its for my own reasoning.

And its 2-sided so if I'm feeling one picture one day and the other picture the next, I have options. All we did was upload our photos on her website and ordered. And we had the pendant delivered in our mailbox within a week. And need I mention that their customer service is excellent. I've been on the phone with them a few times and via email to make a slight change to the pendant and their follow through and friendliness are superb. I would highly recommend this company.

They also have key chains, money clips, and bracelets. Check them out, especially to my bereaved friends.

http://www.kathylo.com/

http://www.facebook.com/kathylorocks

http://www.etsy.com/shop/kathylorockskeepsake

McGinley A-List

2011-05-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

My newest revelation:

I'm the happiest I've ~~ever~~ been.

I'm the happiest I'll always be.

I'm complete.

Want to know what my current A-list features are in life the past 7 weeks?

Diapers.

If I'm not changing a teeny tiny green slime-er, I'm changing a size 5 adult size pooper. As soon as I turn the corner, I swear Walker has done it again. He acts like he eats a lot of fiber or something. If cheetos and french fries now include a hefty amount of fiber, then I would be greatly surprised. I guess it could be worse!

Snuggler.

Ellie's sweet little cry when I put her down is one to be desired. t's because she wants to be held. She wants her momma! Walker D would never fall asleep in our arms or want to be rocked to sleep as an infant (only now at night!) She is everything opposite of his infanthood. She's making up for what he wasn't which was a snuggler. If you can guess, I'm creating a monster out of this situation with Ellie. She will soon require to be held all of the time!

Big Brother

What I especially love is when Walker wants to 'hold' Sissy (he says Shishy). He smiles and kisses her head over and over. Then, he will drop her and run to the nearest toy. Its 5 seconds of pure bliss for this momma until he loses focus and moves on. What can I say? He's a mover.

Bath Time

The boy loves his bath time. So much so, when you unplug the drain and tell him that its time to get out, he plops down on his belly in the tub like he's going to swim away. I always knew he was part fish. But I don't quite know where he's going.

The Chaos

I would have never dreamed there would be twice as much laundry to do with such a tiny little being added to our house. Going to the grocery store require 1-hour of preplanning and packing. Burp rags, milk, pumping, extra clothes, diapers, both kids bags, stroller required?, where's the keys?, Oh wait, gotta grab her hairbow, moby wrap. Its mass chaos in our house. Jesse and I both have had those reflective moments to where we look at each other and grin because its so crazy. And we love it. Wouldn't have it any other way. Anyone who complains about this should have a heart-to-heart with God because one of these days I'm sure we will want this back. In the mean time, we are enjoying something that we prayed for for years. We almost didn't have this chance. Today, we soak it in with grace.

Mother of Five, Two to Hold

2011-05-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

A Happy Mother's Day Week to each of my friends, whether you hold your babies in your arms today or you are humbly celebrating the day with tears in your eyes because your baby isn't here on earth. Or even for my beautiful friends who are still trying to get pregnant. Mother's day is also celebrated for you too.

I am a mother of 5 babies. Three of my babies are in heaven and I am fortunate enough to hold the other 2 here on earth.

I know what it is like to feel attached but left out during Mother's Day. And as hard as I wanted to change that, I couldn't. I celebrated my own mother on Mother's Day for all of my life, then one year I hoped that next year I would be a mother by this holiday time. But when that mothers day rolled around, tears were overbearing the holiday because I was am a mother, but my arms were empty.

A moment in time I will not forget that year was when my mother-in-law, Gina, gave me a mini-rose bush. She handed it to me and said "your a momma too, you know". Wow, someone remembered that I was hurting that mother's day. Someone remembered that we should be celebrating too. She remembered me. And that made my heart smile. It gave me hope and a new love for her because she was seemingly as sentimental as I was. And it gave me a new outlook that she was praying just as hard for us as we were that next year would be different.
The next year was different. I held my one and only living baby in my arms that Sunday morning, proud as the most sun-beaming mother in that church. But my heart was hurting still. Hurting because his other half was not in my other arm. And the prior 2 pregnancies in the back of my mind with nothing to show for.
This year, I held both of my living babies in my arms and thanked our Lord and Savior for the blessings that I wake up for every day. And I remember the ones that changed my life.
The things in life that mean the most are to some, the hardest to obtain. But that made us more appreciative and better parents and people. To my friends who have been there, who are there, and who are trying to get pregnant, my heart is with you this week.

Trust in the Lord Always....

Ellie: Her Short Story in Pictures

2011-04-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

Our 39-week checkup with Dr. McKelvey on Tuesday, April 5th did not result in news that we wanted to hear. Due to a medical situation, it was recommended that we go ahead and take Ellie via c-section. Now if you are an avid follower, you know that it was our goal to have a different experience this time and had chosen to try for a vbac. But Ellie had plans of her own. And know that even though things did not go as planned, her birth could not have been more perfect given the situation. Here is her short story for that week-

Knowing we were going to have a baby girl in our arms on Friday, we went ahead and drove out to Eli's house to see his tulips and to have brother's pictures taken out there in them like last year. Except he didn't quite know how to "not step on them". It was sweet. And it was bittersweet knowing this was the last time we would be with him before we laid our eyes on a miracle that we know he had a hand in later that week.

And to still have that 'surprise' factor, we chose not to announce her upcoming birth. But somehow that didn't work out too well (which is ok too). We didn't want everyone to get worried that there was something wrong with Ellie because everyone knew we didn't want another repeat c-section. And I was crushed that week. I didn't feel like explaining this to anyone. I didn't like feeling like I failed at being able to carry her until she decided to make her appearance on her own. All plans I made regarding her birth, of course, where not to be. But my gut was telling me that this csection was the right thing to do. I knew something was going on. I was just in denial about it that week and didn't want to accept it. But there's just some things that you can't argue with. One was my trust in Dr. McKelvey. The other is God.

Friday, April 8th at 12:00 p.m.: we check in! And I wasn't too nervous. Now Jesse on the other hand, well, I can't speak for him but I can tell you that he got excited those 3 days leading up to Friday. I hadn't seen him that happy in a long time.

We were blessed with an amazing team of doctors during the twins delivery and NICU stay, many whom we made lifelong friends with. We were able to contact them that week and tell them about Ellie's upcoming delivery. Dr. Kaiser, Dr. Lisko, Dr. Seglem, nurse Tammy, and other old team members from the twins birth joined us that day and in the operating room to welcome Ellie. This is a gift that we will never forget. I cannot thank them enough. They truly made her delivery a healing experience for us.

They allowed Jesse, my mom, and our doula, Allyn, to remain with me during our c-section (usually only husband allowed). And they saw to it that her table was placed within my view at all times so I could see that she was ok and breathing. They even allowed Jesse and my mom to hold her in the o.r. (where they usually don't until you reach recovery).

Once again, all gifts that we will never forget. All to relieve our anxieties.

Dr. Lisko (Eli & Walker's NICU pediatrician and now Ellie's O.R. pediatrician!)

Ellie Reese McGinley made her appearance into this world at 4:26 p.m.

6lbs 12oz

19 1/2 inches long

Head full of dark hair :)

That next day, we played dress up. And let me tell you how nice it was to have her in our room, right by my side the whole time. Most people take this for granted. This is something that we know is a blessing. A healthy baby and a healthy, normal situation.

Walker got to meet his little sissy that next day. He didn't think too much of her for a few days. But now, a week later, he feels the need to hug her (more like a choke hold) and kiss her head. We are trying our best to show him how to be 'gentle'. We have our work cut out for us, let me say.

Ellie was slightly jaundice. In effort to get it down, we was wrapped in the -glow worm- blanket for 6 hours and retested to see if it worked. And it did! We got to go home that night!

Sassy.

Thanks Casey for capturing this one of her in our room. Our sweet girl had her hospital pictures taken and we were released to go home at about 5:00 p.m. on Sunday evening.

As we were loading the car, I took a deep breath in. This is the point where I knew that we were to let go of what was and jump on the train of what will be. We are bringing our baby home this time! A near-perfect pregnancy. A perfect little girl with a perfect back and perfectly healthy. And a beautiful head of dark hair. I don't know how we deserve this. Jesse and I have our dark places these past 3 years where we think we just didn't deserve this or it wasn't mean to be for us. But this picture- well, its another one of my kicking satan in the knees moments. God knows whats best.

Our ultrasound tech, Amanda, brought us this wonderful It's a Girl! sign that proudly hangs on the front door. We've waited a long time for this.

This is what its supposed to be like.

This is what it feels like to be happy. This is what it feels like to trust.

Ellie is 1.5 weeks old now. She is a perfect baby. She only cries when she's hungry. She smiles a lot in her sleep. She hates baths. And she tolerates her big rough brother well.

More updates in a few days :)

Spring is Here: Ellie Reese McGinley

2011-04-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

The day the Lord created Hope was probably

the same day he created Spring.

~Bern Williams

She's Arrived!

Ellie Reese McGinley

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Week 39: Philippians

2011-04-06T03:46:00.000-05:00

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

Philippians 4: 6-14

Bible Gateway

Week 38: Real-Time

2011-03-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

No progression is NOT what you expect to hear at your week 38 appointment! Especially when you begin to dilate at an early 34 weeks and possibly expect a little preemie on board! We have now sat at being dilated at 1cm for 4 weeks now (not that I'm complaining!) and with this weeks upkick in contractions, I just knew this appointment would show some progression and so did Dr. McKelvey.

The answer to this: Ellie Reese is stubborn....just like her momma.

But its ok! I'm feeling great! The contractions are manageable. And more time has allotted me more preparation for something I NEVER dreamed I would/could do: vaginal birth. I'm so relaxed about it. But these vivid pregnancy dreams during the night are wearing me out! If I dream that my water broke one more time, I'm likely to mistake that and wet the bed. These dreams are constant and every night!

I dreaded the call to our Doula yesterday, Allyn, with Arkansas Birth Works (I also went to high school with Allyn). I was hoping to give her a progressive update on our appointment. But instead, it entailed a conversation of HOW to help Ellie and my uterus along. We have 2 weeks to get this baby girl to drop without facing another c-section. So no more house rest for me! I'm up, getting this house cleaned and put together. I'm not afraid to go to Target if I need to. As far as Jesse and I are concerned, the more active, the better for her. And as I've been saying, she will make her appearance when she's ready....she just has 2.5 weeks to do so before Dr. McKelvey c-sections her (she doesn't want us going past 41 weeks for health/baby issues with my history, which we are completely for).

Never thought I would say this and I know it goes against everything we've been pleading all of these months, but Ellie Reese, please work your way down and out. Your making Momma and Daddy nervous :)

I do want to mention how blessed we are to have made it to week 38! Even week 39 and 40 coming up are thrilling to me! We have had a full, event-less pregnancy that has reached a targeted end at full term. My final closure will be when we have her in our arms. I'm able to see her face and head and know she's here. I'm able to see her back and see that its perfect. I'm able to receive the news that she's healthy and that she's coming home this time...

This is the point in our story that we begin to tear up as we talk about this. If your reading this, you are reading live remarks from a Momma who lives for her son's purpose and thrives for closure. Ellie is our closure. Eli is our purpose. Walker is our life. Our story is real and being played out in real time.

Will update on Tuesday or when Ellie arrives, whichever comes first. Stay tuned :)

Walker Daniel: 20 Months

2011-03-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

Walker Daniel, you are a few days short of your 20 month birthday! Mommy is doing this early just incase your baby sister comes next week!

You weight 24 lbs and your still short and stocky like your daddy. Your eyes are now big and brown like your Mommas and your hair is a light brown. You have a mouth full of teeth. And you LOVE bathtime with the Crayola bath crayons. Your bathtub is a work of art! We don't dare wipe it off.

Your favorite foods? French fries, cheetoes, and meat. You also LOVE Smarties, the candy. You seem to be a candy-holic like your momma. You were always our 'sugar baby' in the womb anyways (ex: diabetes punch and glucose issues in the NICU). I should have known better. :)

You LOVE the outdoors. You will walk to the front door and point to the handle when you want me to know you want to go outside. Your mommy and daddy are trying to find you a great wooden playground/swingset on Craigslist for you for this summer because you love being outdoors so much. You also love sitting on daddy's dirt bike with him. You are truly a daddy's boy when it comes to bikes, trucks, and dirt.

Mommy loves it when you "hide" from her. I don't know why you think I can't see you when you do this, but it certainly makes me feel blessed when I giggle at you. I'll say "Walker D, lets go change your diaper". And you will run the other way until your cornered and cover your eyes. Your silly.

Your words:

You say: Poppy You mean: Puppy

You say: Pish You mean: Fish

You say: bubba

You say: shoe

You say: meow You mean: kitty

You say: hee haw You mean: Horse

You say: duck

You say: Daddy You mean: Mommy

You say: Mommy You mean: Daddy

You wave and say Bye Bye to absolute strangers. The older ladies LOVE this. Your quite the ladies man!

You blow kisses and give kisses too.

We are....

2011-03-20T04:45:00.000-05:00

37 Weeks Today!!

It's 4:30 a.m. and I've been up for several hours. No better way to make the best of it than to share my wee-hour morning-ness with all of you (although I know you are currently snuggled up in your nice warm bed) than to surprise you with a great note!

This morning I am thankful...

I am relieved...

I am scared (of labor!)...

But I am also optimistic of WHY we are waiting this out...

I need to mention here that I am not one for surprises (very much a planner). So to sit here at home and wait on the onset of labor is like being held over a cliff not knowing when your about to be dropped. It turns my stomach to think about it. But the end goal in sight: to hold this baby girl after she enters this world. I cannot spread this news enough. No anxieties, no worries about if she's breathing, and no fears of that blue operating room curtain. We are ready. We can handle this. And He will protect us if we instill this in Him. He promises us that. He will not leave our side-

The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

-Psalms 32:8

I also want to take a brag moment on another one of my favorite things. I've found a friend in The Pink Elephant Bowtique on Etsy. I just ordered this for Ellie's hair bow stash-

I absolutely LOVE her head lovelies for babies, toddlers, and even for adults! I highly recommend her store because not only is she a joy to work with, her shipping is always free and fast, her prices are fabulous, and her quality of work is stunning. We are repeat customers of hers and she always amazes. Ellie is indeed going to be a princess. :) Just another shameless plug for any of you with little girls out there.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/PinkElephantBowtique

Next doctors appointment is Tuesday morning at 8:45. God is good! Ellie is healthy! I'm going back to bed!

Week 36: Bags R Packed!

2011-03-15T13:26:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, thank you, Ellie, for staying put these past 3 weeks. Today's doctor's appointment went beautifully and Dr. McKelvey said we're in great shape today! No contractions on the monitor, we're feeling great. In fact, I hate to brag, but I could be pregnant another 6 weeks and it be ok with me. I don't mind it. I kinda miss getting in the floor to play with Walker D, but all in all, you will NEVER hear me gripe about being pregnant and how misrable I am. Misrable was carrying 2 babies and worrying about their world on the outside. Ellie, your pregnancy hasn't been misrable. In fact, its been easy. Easy = counting our blessings as my back hurts, can't breath, nausea moments, can't sleep. Easy because its what we make it. We're just thankful to be in this place. Easy = grateful.

Walker's little world is going to change drastically very soon. We think he'll be just fine. He's a good natured little fella. He's becoming a little man instead of that sweet baby boy we've known for 19 months already. His twin brother, well, we miss him dearly. Especially as we enter a new birth; Walker & Eli's little sister. I know she was sent by Eli. I just can't wait to see what she is going to look like and whom she is going to favor the most. And the sentimental side of my heart says that she may have a few of Eli's traits or atleast I would like to think so. I don't think of her as replacing Eli, but being the one who will carry him and his characteristics all of her life. Like a book, I cannot wait to see this story play out in our life as the chance to believe again and a chance to see that happy ending. At the end of each day, we still graciously thank our Lord for the opportunities to have gone through what we did, even though it hurts sometimes.

Needless to say, our bags are packed! They are sitting in the back of the car along with Elllie's carseat awaiting that moment beginning now through the next few weeks. Ellie weighed 6lbs 3oz today on ultrasound (thanks Amanda!) and you can even see 3 fat rolls on her. Sentimental day for us- that weight was Eli's birth weight (twins born at 35 weeks 6 days) and we're now farther along than we made it with the twins.

Can't believe the time is here.....

More updates to come as things progress.

Spring is coming.

The Shameless Plug: Ellie's Room

2011-03-11T22:18:00.000-06:00

Ok! So many of you were wanting to know where we got the stuff for Ellie's room and here it is! And I've added some of our favorite things! I'm a huge fan of homemade and handmade (Etsy and I are best friends. My Pink Llama Shop is on Etsy as well). A lot of the items you find on Etsy are made by stay at home Mommas who make a side living by selling their handmade items.

So let's do a walk through:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Wall Vinyls

Ellie's name, custom hot air balloon, and cloud wall vinyls were purchased from Leen the Graphics Queen. Not only were these wall vinyls top notch in quality, but they were so easy to apply. And Leen guarantees her work. Sarah and I had a little bit of trouble with one of the vinyls and Leen promptly sent us another one. She was a hoot to work with! Thanks Leen!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/LeenTheGraphicsQueen

The bedding was also custom made and purchased for Ellie. But because of difficulties I had with the seller, I won't recommend the store. But I will assure you, it is beautifully made and came off of Etsy by a seamstress.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hot Air Balloon

The custom zebra hot air balloon was beautifully made by Victoria at Birds in the Bramble. She had a custom hot air balloon that I was in love with listed. I messaged her to see if she could make one in zebra/hot pink with a Pink Llama and Bird in the basket. And whala! Perfection! This balloon came shipped all the way from England and its my pride and joy. Victoria is also expecting a baby (boy) the same time Ellie is due so we instantly connected. She's now my far-away Etsy friend. (The other 2 smaller hot air balloons were made by my best friend Sarah, to coordinate with the big balloon. She's fabulous!)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/birdsinthebramble

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Carseat Cover

Oh how I wanted these when we were pregnant with the twins! Ever had those wonderful blow outs that makes you have to take the entire carseat apart? Carseat covers are a lifesaver. They are custom made for your brand carseat and lined with elastic so it fits over your original car seat. So when that unexpected blow out occurs, you yank it off, throw it in the washer, and bam! It saves you an hour because you aren't having to attach pieces back together! Ellie will also ride like a princess!

We purchased this from Lemon Swirl Designs. Check her out!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Lemonswirl

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Sock Monkey Outfit

Ok, well I had to. It was one of those weak moments that I couldn't resist. I saved this in my favorites folder for weeks and kept going back to it. I just had to have it for her! Made by another Etsy momma, 3lilmuses offers custom outfits that you would pay top price for at boutiques. Highly recommended and can't wait to get Ellie's pictures done in this little cutie outfit!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/3lilmuses

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Rosette Headbands

The Pink Llama Shop made friends with The Pink Elephant Bowtique a few months ago and we are forever sold! Meghann, owner of this shop, is one fabulous seller and a super quick shipper! Her work on these headbands and clips are absolutely STUNNING. Her prices are great and I can't recommend her enough! Always FREE shipping and she runs occasional sale codes on her Facebook page!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/PinkElephantBowtique

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Knitted Booties & Hairclips

Veronica from Knitful Designs is my new knitting BFF. We started out doing an etsy trade (she wanted fabric that I was carrying. I wanted knitted hairbows for Ellie). And since then, if I see something knitted on Etsy, I send her the picture first and so far, there hasn't been anything that she hasn't been able to make for me! (2 sock monkey hats for Walker & Ellie, knitted flowers bows, knitted bow-shaped bows, and the newest project, Yo Gabba Gabba knitted dolls for Walker D. SUPER excited to see those!). She made Ellie these pair of booties and I made Ellie her going-home outfit to match them. I highly recommend Veronica for your hair bow and cute baby shoe needs!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/mamitabella93

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Llama Sweater

So I don't have a store name for this one. My momma and sister purchased this on Ebay when they typed in Llama. And I know its homemade from Peru. This 18-month beauty is in the closet waiting on Ellie to get big enough to wear it. Oh how I love it. Maybe she will carry my love for tacky pink flamingos and fuzzy llamas as much as I do :)

34/35 weeks: Stay in there Ellie!

2011-03-07T21:07:00.000-06:00

34 weeks

Sunday: We started last week out with our 1st baby shower for Miss Ellie! Nurse Lindsey, Nurse Laura, & Nurse Rachel threw us a WONDERFUL zebra and pink baby shower and I must say that I was so surprised at all of the people that came! And here I was convinced that no one would come because if you hear "McGinley" and "baby", I was certain people would walk the other direction because it was enough to scare anyone! But we were surrounded by love, tears, and hugs.

Walker D had his own 'big brother' cake made for him that he got to dig into with the other kids that were at the shower! Talk about some cake!

Tuesday: Well.... Tuesday rolled around. Tuesday was the beginning of our weekly visits with Dr. McKelvey. Because our anxieties are beginning ot pick up a bit at this point in our pregnancy, she offered to go ahead and begin running weekly non-stress tests on baby to soothe our hearts a bit that Ellie was ok. (it was at this point in the pregnancy with the twins that Eli began showing signs of distress). So they hooked me up to the monitors and Jesse & I spend the half hour listening to our baby girls heartbeat. But as the nurse came in and told me to gown-up, we said 'uh-oh'. Turns out, the non-stress test picked up consistent contractions that I didn't know I was having (I thought it was her moving) and she then began to tell us that I had already dialated to a 1. She said it wasn't uncommon to have a quick labor after having twins. For some reason, my uterus thinks its *awesome* and wants to crank things up a bit. Dr. McKelvey said she was not alarmed because at 34 weeks, she will be fine if she came today. So we are now on house rest. No cleaning, walmart trips, or traveling for this momma. She's crossing her legs and hoping Ellie says in atleast a few more weeks!

Week 35

Each day leading up to this week has brought anxieties. Its brought a panicked momma because I thought we had atleast 4 more weeks to prepare for her (so I've frantically began getting our hospital bag together)! It's brought peace because we are ready to see a face of a miracle. I wonder if she's going to look like her brothers. I wonder what its going to be like to wait for labor. I wonder what its going to be like to hold her as soon as she takes her first breaths and look at her and know she's ok. And to know she's met the one little boy, her brother, during her passage from Heaven who has changed our lives.

On Sunday, the first day of week 35 this week, we were surrounded by our church family for Ellie's baby shower at church.

And Walker D didn't mind what was going on. Probably because he got more presents too. Almost as many as his little sissy did!

So as we await Ellie any day, we pray for her safe delivery. Tuesdays are our weekly appointments now so tomorrow morning we will stop what we're doing, head to Dr. McKelvey's office, and pray for no change. But we have the most faith in God and his plan for Ellie. We want her to have her own birthday so if she decides to come today or wait another 3 weeks, that is fine with us!

We've Waited All Year for One of These....

2011-03-02T13:19:00.000-06:00

It was finally time to renew our tags. Proud to be a part of this. If one person reads this license plate and decides to become an organ/tissue donor on their license, we have done our job.

34 Weeks: His World is About to Change!

2011-02-27T05:27:00.000-06:00

Week 34

Ellie Reese, we are 34 weeks along!

Your momma is now not sleeping well
All we seem to want is cereal, even at 3:00 a.m., partly because of the hearburn, partly because its our comfort food
We finished your nursery last week!
You big brother finally pointed to our belly and repeated "sissy" for the first time last week! I think he's getting the hint that there's something in there.
He also likes to climb this belly. This is not a good sign to come. We don't need him climbing on baby sissy when she gets here!
We start our weekly doctor appointments with Dr. McKelvey this week
We have our baby shower this weekend thanks to Nurse Lindsey, Nurse Laura, and Nurse Rachel!
Mommy has a lot of work to do before you get here so the next several weeks will be work-work-work on the computer so we can rest and work will still get done before we go on maternity leave!

Week 33: These Ole Blue Walls

2011-02-25T10:48:00.000-06:00

Remember this?

A room created for 2 special little boys that looked like this:

But because their Momma's heart was broken, little Walker D wasn't allowed to stay in this room. So Momma & Daddy made him another room in front of the house that looked like this:

...and the blue room was made into the extra guest room. The walls remained blue and for the past year, it has been made into the guest room/embroidery room for my Pink Llama Shop .

Well, as coincidence would have it, this extra blue room would now be Ellie's room (also a shared space with the embroidery machine too; at least for a little while). And my initial reaction after finding out we were having a girl was "wonderful! Now we can paint that blue room a different color!". So as my best friend, Sarah, and I got to designing her 'zebra' room and began to incorporate hot air balloons too, it only made sense to leave those walls blue. Why? See for yourself. The ole blue room now looks like this:

There's something quite peaceful about these ole blue walls now. The hours I spent sitting in the floor staring at these blue walls when we painted it for the boys gave me so much hope. The lack of time I spent in this room after Eli passed away brought me sadness. Now, as I sit in this room planning for Ellie, I can't help but to laugh at myself and find humor in God. He really knows what our hearts need, whether we desire it or not.

A Brag Moment on Thomas Family!

2011-02-11T12:52:00.000-06:00

One of our very own families here on Spina Bifida Kids was featured in the New York Times this week in an article on the SB in-utero surgery! (which if you all haven't noticed by now, has been largely in the news all week!) (I hope they don't mind me passing this along!)

New York times interviewed Jared, Jessica, Chloe, and their toddler son, Tyson (L5-S2). I want to strongly encourage you to check out their interview! And if you get a chance, they have one AMAZINGLY detailed journey on Tyson's in-utero surgery, successful birth, and today's journey with him on their blogs. This family has done an incredible outreach to others having been diagnosed with SB babies as well.

You can read the interview here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/10/health/10fetal.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=spina%20bifida&st=cse

Their Blogs:
http://www.jaredjessicachloethomas.blogspot.com/
http://tysonjared.blogspot.com/

Congrats Thomas Family on a huge success, for both Tyson and for advocating for all SB families everywhere :)

~Jodie
http://mcginleybabyjourney.blogspot.com/

30 Weeks! The View From Afar

2011-02-01T15:15:00.000-06:00

Ellie Reese

You are 30 weeks and 2 days along!

You weigh approx. 3 lbs.
Mom has gained 4 lbs total
Mom wants chocolate covered strawberries and cereal....a lot
Every time I turn over at night, you let me know your dislike
I think you are trying to turn from your breech position to your heads down. You are now beginning to kick me on my right side.
Your big brother kissed my tummy a few days ago. Do you think he knows your in there? This is a huge leap from the hitting that he has been doing to you. :)
Shhh...don't tell but I think your daddy is getting a wee bit excited. Every time Mommy accidentally bumps into him with our belly, he smiles and rubs it.

The view from afar:

I keep getting a lot of "you don't look very big to be 30 weeks."

Let's think about this people:

There's only 1 baby in there! This is probably a normal look for most! :)

We keep preparing a place for baby! This is 1 of 2 of her hairbow hangers thus far. (Yes, I said 1 of 2 of them). I've been enjoying ordering some, making some, and if I get an embroidery order in and like the hairbow I make for that order, I'll duplicate one for Ellie too.

Ellie has her own sock monkey. Here, she is sporting one of Ellie's matching outfits! But her permanent outfit will be a curly E on her chest with a red tutu (coming soon).

One of my Spina Bifida bloggy mommys, Jessica, from http://tysonjared.blogspot.com/, sent me a surprise package from her hairbow shop full of girly goodness! It really made my day. Jessica has a little one with Spina Bifida and I enjoy reading her SB blog on their daily battles.

We are both members of the Spina Bifida Kids blog, where Jessica has taken on the Project E.L.I. documentary to her state of Utah. Thanks Jessica! You really made me feel special by sending us these!! Ellie will look so sweet in them!

Ohhh the clothes and the shoes and the hairbows. We just cannot afford a girl! I've been strategically ordering separate items for complete sets (like this one- to be embroidered by mommy. Not sure what's going on it yet, but hey! She has matching shoes! :)

Thoughts this week:

Wow, is this really coming to an end? We are in week 30 and we will see our baby girl in 8-10 weeks, granted we don't have complications! I will really get to experience labor, experience life, experience a normal delivery. I will really get to know what it feels like to hold our baby girl in our arms immediately. The more time we have to think about this, the stronger I feel about it. I'm about to conquer any fear I had or ever did have. Maybe where Eli's purpose was to change our lives, Walker's purpose was to save our lives, Ellie's purpose must be to give us control of our life again.

I just can't wait to see how this plays out-

Week 28/29 : A Dream & A Doula

2011-01-20T14:41:00.000-06:00

This week brought a lot of realization for us. Or as Jesse put it, "its real now because she has a face!" (only could possibly come from a man). My appointment this week went well! I passed my gestational diabetes test (thank God because there is no way I could lay off the sugar), I received my rhogham shot, got to meet with Dr. McKelvey to talk more about our birth plan, and by great chance Amanda was there and gave us a sneak peak at Ellie who is a mere 2lbs 4oz of all girl! :) Don't know if you can tell it, but everyone around here that sees this picture immediately says "oh my, she looks like Walker!".

For the past few months, I have had something very heavy on my heart about the birth of this child. I have constant flashbacks of the twins birth, I'm talking daily flashbacks. Their c-section was, of course, planned and medically needed for Eli's condition. So it was no surprise when I was rushed in to the operating room when Dr. Wendel discovered that Eli was unresponsive to the non-stress test earlier that morning during our weekly check. The c-section was so rushed and that day was so full of emotions for us that as I am able to look hind-sight and know what actually went on, I become terrified of the same outcome for Ellie's birth here in 10 weeks. I'm desperate for a different experience. I don't want to face secrets behind that blue curtain in the operating room again. I don't want to wonder if my child is breathing. I don't want to look at my child through a glass case again as they are rushed off. I want to hold my baby immediately. I want to hold my baby next to my skin as she takes her first moments of breath, granted she is healthy enough to do so.

I was not made aware during the twins birth that Eli was being resuscitated behind that c-section curtain. I actually did not find this out until days later, when we were also facing the decision to take him off of life support. This has always been a hard pill to swallow for me. Every mother deserves to hear their baby cry for the first time and see their baby lifted above that curtain for them to see for the first time. With the twins birth, Eli was delivered first and no cry was heard. But the doctors did say "baby A is here". We didn't expect to hear him cry. We knew he was going to be in bad shape. One minute later, Walker was delivered and he let out a cry of all cries. But both boys were rushed off to opposite sides of the operation room to their tables with their own neonatal teams. I was so drugged that the only thing I could manage to get out was "how is Eli". And Jesse leaned over and told me that his spina bifida was much bigger and higher than they expected but that he's OK. That next hour, as I was sitting in that recovery room with family, Walker was wheeled in to my bedside in an incubator hooked up to tubes. He was doing great and because he was slightly premature (36 weeks), they were going to take him upstairs to the NICU for observation. And 2 minutes later, he was wheeled off. Eli was wheeled in next in what looked like a time capsule with the Angels 1 team dressed in black aviation suits from Arkansas Children's Hospital. From there, they opened an arm hold opening in this capsule so that I could touch his arm. I remember rubbing his soft arm and being in awe of this little fighter. And I knew it would be days before I would get to see him again. What I didn't know was that he was lucky to be alive because 1 hour earlier he was born dead. And what we also didn't know was the final outcome of what was to be that week. My little boy was not meant to be on this earth.

There is not one part of the twins birth experience that I want to relive. Not one part.

And if I can make Ellie's birth any different on decisions that I have control over, then I'm willing to do just that.

A dear friend of mine, Amanda from New Orleans (who we met during Hurricane Katrina and we have all been close friends since) is a huge advocate for natural birth and recently gave birth to her 2nd baby at home last year. I've NEVER considered a vaginal birth to begin with, especially not a natural birth or a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). I consider myself very modern and lazy and have always known that I would choose c-sections before vaginal just because I don't want to push anything through my cha-cha. But since the twins birthing experience, I have realized that these flashbacks, those memories, and Eli's outcome is a pure nightmare in our lives. A true nightmare.

For Ellie's birth, I can control what happens this time on a physical and mental level! I want to heal from this experience, not be afraid of it.

And because of Amanda's suggestions, I have been doing my research. And there I have decided to hire on a doula for Ellie's birth. After talking to Dr. McKelvey, who is completely supportive to the idea of a vbac because of our last experience with the twins c-section, I am certain that a vbac and a doula is the way to go.

What is a doula anyways?

A doula is an advocate for your birth process. They are someone you meet with throughout your pregnancy to give them information on your perfect birth experience. They teach you one-on-one how to breath during birth (like those birthing classes you attend at the hospital). They are there with you during your birth and they make sure that you birth plan is followed through by the nurses/doctors and they also offer support and help to you and your husband/family.

#1 on my birth plan: Ellie is to be placed on my chest for Jesse and I to hold immediately upon coming out (where some nurses may whisk baby away to clean them off, etc.)

We want her to be in our sight this time. We want to see her, to hold her, to be the first voice she hears. We want a peaceful birth and we don't want the first thing she sees on this earth being a bright medical lamp in her face. This is our chance to heal and to look back at birth being a wonderful experience, not a terror like we think of it now. If giving birth vaginally is the only way I get to hold our healthy little miracle baby in my arms this time, then so be it. I will be a trooper and do it. I know this is not possible with a repeat c-section. You see, these are things that Jesse and I have the power to change. Do we have power to change the inevitable (like a breathing issue, etc.)? No, we do not. But granted she arrives in this world perfect, then we can leave the hospital with a healthy baby who gets to come home this time and an experience that no one can take away from us.

Power. Maybe this is us being able to have control over this situation where we didn't have control of the last one.

I met with a doula last week locally here in Arkansas by the name of Allyn. And coincidentally, Allyn and I went to high school together. Allyn is familiar with our story (which also makes me more comfortable) and knows our goal in this. We are proud of the information Amanda has provided to us to get us educated and proud that Allyn will be here to oversee that our dream is fulfilled with Ellie's birth. Things are just going to be OK now. I don't feel the need to worry any longer.

And for those of you wondering, no I don't plan on doing a full natural birth. We will be delivering at UAMS. Meds and epidurals are welcome of course (its all by choice of the patient). I'm strictly seeking a normal, healthy birth that isn't scheduled or pushed by induction (unless she gets to becoming a BIG baby) or pushed to be schedule because its convenient for a doctor's schedule. We are going to avoid a c-section at all costs unless medically necessary. And Dr. McKelvey is tremendously supportive of this idea and supportive of Birth Works in Arkansas. She said I'm one of the best candidates for a vbac because I have a uterus of gold (because of twins). I just want to feel empowered in this experience. My husband is terrified of ultrasounds and doctors appointment. He needs empowering too. Our doula is going to be there to assist him to help me during labor. She is going to assist me not to give up during labor. She is there to empower us to do what my body was designed to do: to give birth to this miracle baby.

Praying for that different memory-

26 Weeker & a 17-Monther

2011-01-02T10:45:00.000-06:00

Walker

You are 17 months old and weigh about 24 lbs. Your still a little guy but your still within healthy range.
You LOVE french fries. So much so, I'm sewing you a blanket right now with french fries on it.
You tend to sleep around 11 hours at night (the boy is serious about his sleep!) and you wake up in the best moods. Your momma is not a morning person, but I must tell you, I secretly can't wait for you to get up because you put me in the best of moods with your smiles.
You just started kissing people on their cheeks. Your daddy and I LOVE it.
You love dancing. In fact, your daddy just taught you a new dance move. You swirl your arms in the air like its the 70s or something.
Your new love: Yo Gabba Gabba. This show leaves you in a trance. You dance to it, smile to it, don't blink to it. So we bought you a shirt:

You had your first big accident/bleed last week. Since your a climber, you climbed on top of your alphabet train and came hurdling down and busted your lip. A few days later, your gums were black so we took you to Arkansas Children's Hospital to make sure you didn't do more damage than we thought. Everything is fine now. And I'm sure this was trip number 1 of many more. You are a true boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ellie

We are now 26 weeks along! We will see your face in 12 more weeks!
You weigh around 2 lbs now.
You and I ended up in the hospital this weekend due to the stomach virus! Daddy and Walker had it earlier this week. Momma was so busy taking care of them, washing everything, Lysol-ing every inch of the house so that we didn't get it. But the virus won and we had to go to Labor & Delivery while they monitored you and administered fluid and meds to me! That was definitely a first for Momma. But we are doing much better today.
Your daddy and I have been working hard on your room during the Christmas break. Momma worked on your curtains last week. And daddy finished remodeling a toy box your Mimi found for you. We are slowly getting ready for your little corner of the world. We hope you like it!

I have a sweet story to tell very soon about your room, room color, and your brothers. We will blog about that in a few weeks. But for now, I will leave you with my thought of I hope you are surrounded by your angel brothers love in your sleep inside that very sky blue room that was created for both of them.

Love,

Momma

2nd Christmas in Heaven

2010-12-25T20:23:00.000-06:00

Eli,

It's your 2nd Christmas in Heaven and this year hurts so much more than last. Last year was about holding it together for your twin brother. This year its about watching him play, rip open presents, and be his own personality, knowing that his other half is supposed to be doing the same thing. This year, your momma is feeling the life inside of her move and kick, knowing that your little sister reserves the same place in her womb that you did for 8 months. This is the place you lived the longest. And your life defies what your parents strive to be: strong. We love you and today we remember you as well as all of our bereaved friends who are missing their baby this Christmas as well as our special friend who is missing her other half.

All we want for Christmas is a glimpse of you in our dreams tonight. A peaceful glimpse of you to know its ok.

Love,

Momma, Daddy, Walker

Week 24: Viability. A Good Feeling

2010-12-20T21:57:00.000-06:00

Ellie, you are 24 weeks old!

Cravings: Milk. A whole lotta milk. Heartburn is not forgiving! And Snickers. Ha!

Sleep: Getting harder to sleep! My stomach is the size of a soccer ball (thanks Baby Center for that clarification) and is very high so rolling over at this point is harder! But no complaints yet!

Best Moment this week: Calling Jesse up at work to ask him if he could find this nearest vending machine at work and bring me home a Snickers bar!

Looking Back: At this point in our pregnancy with the twins, Jesse was able to see/feel them move. And Ellie is moving quite a bit lately too. She seems to love night time the most, just like the twins did. And I actually felt her have hiccups a few mornings ago for the first time!

Have I mentioned how I love the word viability? Because of the advancement of the NICU systems around the world, 23 weeks is about the time where early deliveries are not always fatal at this point. Of course a baby born this early would have odds against them, there have been 23 weekers survive. Now that we are 24 weeks along, each week is a sigh of relief and a challenge to get to the next week for the health of your baby. This is a good point to be in a pregnancy, maybe even more so of a graceful period. I'm so blessed we made it this far.

We have had no complications so to speak and I'm beginning to assume this is what it feels like to have a 'normal' pregnancy. It's been relaxing and I don't wake up worried each morning and burdened each evening. But this subject is for another blog. I have a lot of thoughts on this, having done it a few times :)

We had our good friend, Barbie, come out and take our family pictures last week. I felt a need to share this one. A picture is worth a thousand words. All I can say is thanks, boys, for hanging in there...

They look thrilled, don't they? Ahhh, the joys of being a Momma in a male household.

Heaven's Christmas Tree

2010-12-08T22:16:00.000-06:00

This past Friday, Walker and I were having one of those dreaded days. Nothing was quite going our way, I was pouting, have a ton to get done, but the biggest of all was something I just shouldn't have to do. We really needed to take Eli's Christmas stuff out to him. I had been collecting things for months for his Christmas this year. But I don't mind telling you, it's tough kneeling at the grave of your son to put flowers up. But it was done. And after we leave there, I'm always thankful for the time spent. It's almost like he breaths a breath of fresh air in me for the days and weeks ahead. When I start to get cloudy minded, I know its time to go out there and have my heart-to-hearts with him. It's almost like talking to God. You know its time to pray when you begin to allow your life to get a bit....restless. Walker woke up from his nap right when I was done arranging his flowers. So I only thought it be appropriate that he give his big brother the ceramic tile he made him for Christmas that we had made with his footprints on them at Firefly Pottery Studio in Little Rock. Walker made one of these for Eli around Easter and we love them. They are weather proof and it comes straight from Walker. It's a tradition we hope to keep going for years.

On Sunday, Jesse and I were discussing our lack of Christmas spirit, yet again this year. Last year we didn't have much of a Christmas. We didn't want to put up a tree but felt like we had to for Walker. We didn't exchange presents amongst each other because we just couldn't think straight. Our focus was on him. But it was more of us gasping for air. We were doing what we had to to hold on. Being easy to fall into that gap again this year, Sunday brought a {new} blessing for us. We decided to go out to the local tree farm and purchase a real Christmas tree. We've never, ever had a real tree in our lives. So on a whim, we bundled Walker D up, grabbed the camera and headed out, only to find that much needed Christmas spirit we have longed for for the 2nd year in a row.
We had a blast-

We picked out our little Charlie Brown tree that we both loved. Looked at the tag and it was marked $5. It apparently was a clearance tree. Not sure why. Jesse and I kept going back to it so we knew it was the one. And I think Walker agreed-

This will now serve as our new tradition each year. One we can look forward to and look up to the sky and say Thank You for making us feel again on Christmas.

Next year, we will have our Ellie Reese beside us as a family with our freshly cut down tree. And the year after, and after. Will this be our happily ever after? I can only hope so-

21 Weeks: Daddy's Girl

2010-12-01T10:59:00.000-06:00

Week 21:

Ellie Reese, you are as long as a banana and you now have eyebrows! No more baby flutters from you; you now give me full fledged kicks and punches, which I love. The anxities of not having seen you on ultrasound in a few weeks has subsided because I can feel you moving all throughout the day. I know you are ok in there now. We get to see your precious face again on December 15th, as they will check your heart again as a precaution for us. Nurse Laura and Nurse Lindsey ordered your nursery bedding this week! We are slowly getting ready for you. And rest assured, you will be a shoe diva. You have 2 pairs already and I anticipate 13 more pair before you get here!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: still down! (But I'm sure it won't be for much longer!)

Maternity Clothes: having to slowly accumulate maternity clothes! My friend Casey (due w/ #3 in 3 weeks!) has the clothes right now so if you see me wearing the same thing you saw me in 3 weeks ago, I'm just making due until the clothes stash comes back my way! :)

Gender: It's a girl!!! Ellie Reese McGinley

Movement: Most every hour

Sleep: Harder to sleep, but its because my mind is busy lately

Cravings: Chinese Food

Symptons: Low Blood Pressure, starting to get winded when I bend over to get something.

But I'm feeling GREAT!

Best Moment this week: Ellie kicked the ba-jibbies out of Jesse for the 1st time this week! We were watching tv. I told Jesse to put his hand on my belly in hopes that he could feel her move. 1 minute and a "Wha-POW!" later, Jesse looked over at me with a daddy grin and said "I believe she just kicked me harder than either one of the boys ever did!"

Looking back: So its week 21 and Jesse felt her kick for the 1st time this week. It wasn't until week 23 with the twins that Jesse could feel either one of them move.

Early sign that Ellie has an italian temper? There is a great possibility to that...

Prematurity Awareness Day: Traveling Wall of Hope

2010-11-17T22:29:00.000-06:00

We were beyond honored to receive a phone call from one of our dear friends that we met through this journey, Crystal Goss, to participate in National Prematurity Awareness Day- November 17th, 2010. The Arkansas March of Dimes asked Walker to come out to a photo shoot in September to participate in their 'Traveling Wall of Hope". This morning, these 10 posters from Arkansas families who were affected by prematurity, joined in the rotunda of the Arkansas State Capital followed by a ceremony at 10:00 a.m. I've told Crystal before and I will share with you that its moments like these (that are few and far between) that I am so PROUD of my twin sons as a whole. Whoever said they still couldn't move mountains together? :)

Please enjoy our slideshow of today's ceremony.

(if you are viewing this through your email, you will have to visit actual blog to see slideshow. Click here)

Week 19: Re-Live

2010-11-16T11:19:00.000-06:00

We've been anxious to share our ultrasound results with you all since Friday. I know you guys already know our anxieties were high going into this ultrasound, especially as the days crept closer. If your a momma of a special needs child, I know we too, share a bond that irreplaceable when it comes to subsequent ultrasounds/babies. Let me first say that I've never felt as vulnerable by satan as I was last week. Through our 18 weeks of pregnancy, we had been optimistic of Ellie's health. We just 'knew' our trials were over and as selfish as it sounds, we just 'knew' that "God wouldn't put us through that again". But knowing the whole time that yes, we could go through that again. And if we did, we could do it. We could make whatever comes our way a blessing in its own. By Thursday, I felt weak. Jesse got speechless. And we could read each other without saying a word. We didn't fear a disability. We feared not being able to bring our baby home. We feared of 'knowing'. We feared of having to bury another child. Satan knew how weak I was by Thursday and he ate my lunch in grief.

Some of you know this picture. It was us a year and a half ago. I can tell you the exact day and time this picture was taken. It's like 9/11. You just don't forget where you were and what happened. April 9th, 2009 is like a 9/11 for us. Our worlds changed. Everything we thought was important at that time wasn't so important when we walked out those doors that morning.

April 9th, 2009 @ approx. 9:30 a.m.

19-week ultrasound

It's a boy, it's a boy and we need to talk.

This is us this past Friday, November 12th, 2010 @ 9:15 a.m. We are 18 weeks along and prepared and scared and everything that comes with it. We didn't have our parents with us this time. We extended the offer for them to join us but knowing that their worlds changed too during the twins ultrasounds, I knew this might be an emotional time for them as well. So they all decided to stay back and await a phone call instead on Friday. I wanted to snap this picture of us with Amanda (ultrasound) and Shannon (genetics) because this is a \

milestone of some sorts for each of us. We have made dear friends with these two special women. They have followed us, taken care of us, and I would say Jesse and I are emotionally attached to them :) Oh, notice one thing: I'm wearing the same red maternity shirt I had on during the boys big ultrasound too. I did this on purpose. I call this 'punching satan in the face'. And it stood to be true. Because our Ellie Reese is HEALTHY. Her head, her spine, her kidneys, you name it. Perfect. By the Grace of God.

3d/4d pregnancy ultrasound of her face

So now, I'm anxious to share with you our pregnancy highlights this week! A healthy, normal pregnancy update!!

Our Pregnancy Highlights!:

How Far Along: 19 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby is the size of large heirloom tomato

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Lost 12 lbs

Maternity Clothes: maternity bottoms, regular and maternity tops

Gender: It's a girl!!! Ellie Reese McGinley

Movement: Past 2 weeks have been an explosion of movement. Several a day, especially in the evening!

Sleep: No problems yet! Thanks to the feather bed we just bought!

Cravings: Pizza

Symptoms: Tired

Best Moment this week: Walker was rolling around on the bed with Jesse and I a few days ago. He hit my belly. Oh if he only knew that baby sister is coming- and paybacks are going to be ferocious! :)

(Walker waiting to go into the ultrasound room to see Sissy)

Looking back: It was this week in our pregnancy with the twins (week 19) that we found out about Eli's Spina Bifida diagnosis and our lives changed forever.

Faith.Health.Courage

2010-11-12T21:31:00.000-06:00

I know we had a lot of people praying for Ellie today during the ultrasound. I wanted to take a second and let everyone know that our baby girl is HEALTHY and perfect. Her spine and head were perfect, as well as her kidneys, heart, etc. I do have pictures of our day today and want to talk all about it. I'll post details in the next few days.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, the prayers, the kind messages and texts. You really lifted us up today where it was greatly needed. We weren't frightened of a disability. We were frightened of the news that we would never take this baby home. We pray for smooth sailing at this point.

In Christ-

What?! Free Shutterfly Cards for a Blog Post! I'm in!

2010-11-11T12:13:00.001-06:00

Yep! You can get 50 FREE Holiday cards from Shutterfly with a promo code that they, themselves will send to you! All you have to do is write a 150+ word post on what card you like the best!! You just can't beat free! ;-) I found this through some of my other bloggy momma's blogs today and had to do it!

This card is my favorite: Livestrong Holiday Card
I love this card because it's elegant with a touch of hope. I love Christmas cards that have an actual message that will touch your heart, you know? Not the kind that you skim over because they are all, indeed, basically the same. But for this year, we will be using Walker (and the E Sock Monkey)'s picture from the March of Dimes Traveling Wall of Hope photo shoot on our cards (to be presented next Wednesday. Let me say, firstly, that this picture is amazing! And will be presented at the Arkansas State Capital for Prematurity Awareness Month/March of Dimes with the state legislation. Pics to come). I believe this card would be a perfect setting for this very wonderful photo of Walker and Eli and I always order our Christmas cards from Shutterfly each year because they are clear and great quality. I've never had an issue from their prints or from the company and have continued to have a great experience with them. So as we plan for this year's very special Christmas cards, this one would be my pick!

I also want to highly suggest signing up for their promotional emails. I have found some GREAT coupon codes, especially for the photo books that we love (2 that have been featured on the blog of Eli and his life that we have made for Walker to know his brother).

My favorite Shutterfly products:
· Christmas cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
· Christmas photo cards to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery
· photo gifts to http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts

To my blogger Mommies out there: blog about this for your coupon code!

Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly, follow the link:
http://blog.shutterfly.com/5358/holiday2010-blog-submission-form/

Week 18: The Day before the Big Day

2010-11-11T11:54:00.000-06:00

Our Pregnancy Highlights!:

How Far Along: 18 Weeks

Size of baby: Length of a Bell Pepper

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Lost 15 lbs

Maternity Clothes: maternity pants every day, regular and maternity tops

Gender: It's a girl!!! Ellie Reese McGinley

Movement: I feel her move about 3-4 times a day

Sleep: No problems yet! Thanks to the feather bed we just bought!

Cravings: Chinese Food

Symptons: Low Blood Pressure. I have to take it slow when I get up from sitting or I get dizzy.

Best Moment this week: Jesse told Ellie "bye baby girl, be good for Momma" while he touched my belly on his way out to work this morning!

Looking back: Week 18 of our pregnancy was the week before we found out what they were. Jesse thought they were boys. I thought it was boys or a boy/girl. I knew it wasn't 2 girls. I would venture to say this was the last week of our old lives because that next week would change our lives forever.

Our 'BIG' ultrasound is in the morning at 9:00 a.m. Praying for a healthy baby girl but prepared for what is to be sent out way. Prayers appreciated!

16 Weeks: Its a ______..........

2010-10-25T21:23:00.001-05:00

Any hopes and dreams we have for this child we pray will come true, Lord. Please place your hand of protection upon them as we deliver them and keep them through a lifetime of love and happiness. She just doesn't know how much we love her already.

Walker Daniel will have a

Baby Sister

to enjoy and annoy.

IT'S A GIRL!

Ellie Reese McGinley

Still Due in early April

Special thank you to Amanda (ultrasound) and Shannon B. (genetics) for taking such good care of Jesse & I and our families for the past 16 weeks. We have been nervous wrecks about pregnancy in general, if you can imagine from our history. Shannon has seen to it that we have had top priority and many check ups thus far and Amanda has graciously ultrasounded us to assure our hearts that she is there and growing. They have both given us the ability to enjoy this pregnancy and even more so, heal.

November 9th marks our 'BIG' ultrasound when they will inspect baby Ellie, spine, brain, and all. Please pray for her and with us. We are optimistic of her health but terrified of the unknown. This ultrasound a year and a half ago with the twins changed our lives forever when we least expected it. We pray for Ellie's health. I pray for my husband and his ability to become a rock, yet once more. And for this Momma's heart, who has been hurt. But MY GOD can carry us again. MY GOD can do anything. And MY GOD can see to it she's complete. Please remember us in the next 2 weeks leading up to the 9th.

Praying...

Mr. East End

2010-10-25T21:04:00.000-05:00

Walker D brought home the gold last weekend at the East End Fall Fest Pageant.

Stunning, isn't he?

Best Dressed

Best Smile

Most Handsome

Most Photogenic

And Mr. East End

....and we just wanted him to have his own convertible in the East End Fall Parade. :)

15 Weeks: Girl or Boy? Take the Poll

2010-10-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

We love 15 Weeks! Even Walker D is excited! His big brother or sister is 15 weeks along!

This week, baby is the size of an apple. And Mommy is getting bigger! I overheard my first "she's pregnant too" comment at a baby shower for my friend, Casey, this past weekend. I was sitting there cramming my face full of strawberries and punch when I overheard that from a lady sitting next to me and I grinned really big (there were 5 pregnant girls there, me being the least furthest and not-near as showing as they were). We have a checkup in the morning and I can't wait to hear our little bean's heartbeat. Just having that confirmation that its still alive in there will let us sleep better for the next few days. (outlooks of grieving parents are much different, especially for us this go round)

So we thought we would throw in a poll this week. Boy or girl? What do you predict our little bean is? We will tell you that:

A: We have sneak peaks with Amanda every few weeks and the latest one gave us a *hint* but it wasn't definite.
B: I know in my heart what it is
C: I know what I want it to be and its definitely not what I think it is
D: Jesse is very neutral about it. He doesn't care either way. And to tell you the truth, I don't either. We're just happy to experience this miracle naturally.

The poll is located at the top of our blog to the right.(If you are receiving this in your email box, click on http://mcginleybabyjourney.blogspot.com/ and vote to the top/right there).

Just check the boy or girl option and click "Vote".

And once again, for my dear sisters who love to blow up the voting, VOTE ONCE! :)

This should be fun-

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2010-10-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

Today, we recognize that they were real, beating hearts with real footprints and handprints. They had our haircolor, features, and we were immediately in love.

Because we carried them, loved them, prepared a place for them, and dreamed of a lifetime with them. We heard their heartbeats, watched them move on that ultrasound screen. They were ours and we were theirs.

We dreamed of the day we would hold them, the day that we would get to throw a football with them, and the day that we got to kiss them goodnight before their 1st day of school.

Because we don't get that chance that most parents take for granted, each detail of their short life is protected in our hearts by a padlock. Because its all we have of them.

We think about them Each.And.Every.Day.

We are passionate about the things our child represented. We cry when we feel like it. We like to talk about them to people who want to listen. And we are forced to wake up each day to be reminded. But we strive to get to Heaven much harder than we ever did before...to see them again.

Until then, we remember....

Call to me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

-Jeremiah 33:3

Wordless Wednesday: Kris Allen made me Cry!

2010-10-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

*To find out more about why we met with Kris Allen, watch for the next blog update!

Week 14: Welcome to the 2nd Trimester, Baby McGinley!

2010-10-12T21:13:00.000-05:00

We love our little lemon!

According to Baby Center, this is how baby McGinley is growing at 14 weeks:

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.
In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel his tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active.

Next Tuesday, we go back to the doctor for a consult. We are asking for your prayers as we move to make a very big decision regarding this appointment. A decision that could change our life. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers. More next week!

Let the Fun Begin: 13 Weeks

2010-10-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

In order not to jinx myself or the pregnancy, I have delayed starting my weekly pregnancy progression pictures. And another reason is because with twins, I was wearing maternity clothes by week 9 of the pregnancy. I've not experienced a pregnancy this far along with only 1 baby before. So the belly's progression I knew wasn't going to be as fast. But we decided after a quick ultrasound on Friday and normal doctor's appointment today that IT'S TIME!

I will tell you that I'm still in the ~~fat girl~~ fluffy stage. No one has yet told me I look pregnant or "when are you due" hasn't been spoken from any one's mouth yet by the casual stranger.

And unfortunately, having twins took havoc on my mid-section. With Walker having sat at the top (transverse) across my stomach and Eli resided the bottom, my stomach is permanently stretched out in 2 sections: top and bottom. Some moms opt for a cosmetic surgeon to take care of this. We knew we were possibly not done having children and especially with it only having been a year since the birth of the twins and the loss of Eli, it just wasn't going to be in the cards for us. So this year, I lost a total of 21 lbs to help decrease the damage done to my stomach. And now, with the new baby pushing everything out again, you can see the damage I'm talking about. You can see a crease going across the center of my stomach. It's quite interesting to see (in conjunction to how they were crammed in there). The 1st few months after the twins birth, it upset me to see this. To me, it was a pointless truth to a lost fight. I had a twin-momma belly, with no twins to show for it. But after a lot of prayer and encouragement from my husband, I began to heal and began to forgive myself. And now, I see it as it is: a battle scar worth noting and proof of a job well done in Twin Momma Land. 36 weeks wasn't bad. And I would do it all over again for the chance to have them both in my arms again.

I finally began to see things going 'outward' a bit last week while we were in Las Vegas. So let the games begin. We are 13 weeks tomorrow (Tuesday). So looks like Tuesdays will be my update days. The baby is actually measuring a day ahead at the moment and is completely healthy.

We have opted out of 1st Trimester Screenings for Down's Syndrome, Spina Bifida, & other birth defects. We will also be opting out of the 16-week quad screen testings for the same. These tests are done in order for the parents to make an informed "decision" if you know what I mean. Parents that wish to possibly make a decision to terminate the pregnancy. We opted for the quad screen back with the twins (by accident. I said yes and Jesse said no ....afterwards) but it ended up coming back Negative (but these tests are less accurate with twins...obviously because it was wrong). We will not terminate this pregnancy for any reasons so we will march forth to our 20-week ultrasound to see if we will face Spina Bifida or some other birth defect again. And if we face that challenge again, so be it. God has great things in store for our lives, healthy child or challenged child. We've been through it all at this point. We can handle what is given our way.

We don't know why you brought us here, Lord. And some days we don't know your intention. We may not know the plan. You never said it was going to be easy. And you never said we would have to do it alone. We love you, Lord Jesus. Thank you for carrying us through. And thank you for making it "ok". I've never strived to get to Heaven as hard as I do now.

A Journey to Vegas for Eli

2010-10-02T21:49:00.002-05:00

I've been struggling for the words to say about this. 'Thank You' doesn't seem like enough. So for 3 straight weeks now, when I think of what to blog and what to say about this particular post, I'm wordless and blank. How do you thank a special family, and how do you thank people, some even strangers, for their gratitude. People reached out to the Barnes Family's fundraiser to send us to the AWHONN Medical Conference. Who are we to deserve such a blessing? If you don't know what happened, read up on it here: The Barnes Update: Your Opportunity to Help a Deserving Family . I also want to encourage you to check out their incredible journey of how their twin boys pulled through against all odds.

But to condense a long story for you, our Genetics Counselor, Shannon B., and nurse practitioner at our High Risk OB Clinic at UAMS, Stephanie W., were asked by AWHONN (Association of Women's Health, Obstetric, and Neonatal Nurses) to speak at their national conference that was scheduled for June in Nashville, TN at Opryland. Shannon asked us if we would mind if she spoke about Eli's medical case, which is a pretty rare case of Spina Bifida with a mingle of a miracle involved. (If you read our blog, you know all of our tidbits of miracles we speak of regarding our twin boys, donate life, and our life itself). We wanted to go and hear it, knowing it was one of the few times we would ever get to hear our son's name. Parents usually get to scream their names at ballgames, get to give them presents on their birthday and Christmas. As parents of a deceased child, we get to hear our child's name at a medical conference. And that's ok with us! We would take what we could get and we still hold pride for our son, a lifesaver.

Well, rain washed the Opryland idea into a massive flood in that area. The conference was then rescheduled for the Venetian at Las Vegas in September. A family of a friend got word that we were not able to afford to fly to Vegas and began a fundraiser to send us. We are proud to say that Ken & Rachel Barnes, along with their twin miracles, Jack & Luke, raised $1285, along with donated round-trip airfare on U.S. Airlines, and hotel stay at the Las Vegas Trump Hotel, all donated by people who wanted to see to it that we got to go. We received the biggest gift of all that day. A chance to hear Eli's story, that we knew all too well, again, only see it presented to approx. 250 people in attendance of that particular session. We must say, it was worth the trip. And it was a solid dream come true for us.

Neither Jesse nor I have ever been that far west before. We were both anxious to get there and so heartbroken to leave Walker D. We haven't been away from him for more than a night. And even then, he was only a mile down the road at his Mimi & Papa's house or Aunt Lulu & Justin. Thousands of miles away made us have to think and plan for the worse. We updated our wills, I gave my parents the run down of his pediatrician, who to contact, etc. (the typical Momma dilemma I assume). But by the looks of things, I don't think he missed us any. Mimi and Paw would send a few pics via cell phone each day we were gone. And each one of them looked like this:

Yea, so he didn't miss us.

But at least he was enjoying himself at Mimi & Paw's.

So back to the conference, we arrived in Las Vegas on Sunday. UAMS's conference was on Monday afternoon. And here are a few pictures for you to enjoy. They are a bit grainy because the auditorium was dark. But if you pay attention to the screen in the picture, you can see the PowerPoint of the boys on the screen.

Items Shannon covered in the 250-woman audience were the details of our pregnancy, complications and all, the diagnosis of Eli's Spina Bifida, and then the sweet details of the twins birth story, Eli's complications, our life-support dilemma, Eli's unexpected hours and how they were spent along side of his twin brother, his gift of life as an organ donor, Walker currently celebrating his 1-year birthday, and then, at the end, she announced that 'mom and dad are currently expecting and found out on Eli's 1st death date in August". She announced it as it was: a gift sent from him. It made us feel like things are going to be ok.....for once. Living it is one thing. Hearing it was another.

The View of the strip straight ahead from our hotel room at the Trump Hotel.

Palazzo Hotel Shops

We spent our other spare 2 days catching shows: Phantom of the Opera, Cirque Del Soleil "Love" (Beetles show), and The Blue Man Group. We LOVED all 3 of these shows and would see them again if ever given the chance to. We ate some outstanding food, stayed at Trump Hotel, which was amazingly created in Marble and Gold accents everywhere. Every aspect of this trip was just unreal. Its a treasure that we will be able to carry with us for the rest of our lives. It was our chance to be able to spend time 'with Eli' that we don't get the chance to do.

Barnes Family, friends, family, and distant friends whom we may not know who gave to this fundraiser, consider THANK YOU a form of a life change. You changed our lives. You changed how we view helping others. Never again will we pass up the opportunity to return your generosity to someone else out there. If it is presented our way, we WILL return it. We are overwhelmed, even since immediately after Eli's passing, at the amount of love was sent our way in the form of donations to the Project E.L.I. Spina Bifida Documentary, and then to the Team E.L.I. t-shirt fundraiser for the I CAN! Arts and Resource Center area for "Eli's Garden". We were then immediately overwhelmed at the love of one of our dear friends and the passing of her spouse, as they had memorials sent to Team E.L.I. We are overflowing with gratitude. And you all know who you are. You have changed our lives forever. Each. And. Every. One. Of. You.

Beautiful View: 9 weeks 3 days

2010-09-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

We could have only hoped that this pregnancy would be perfect, simple, and uneventful. After all, it is a true definition of of a miracle. But early last week, I went into the doctor because of some moderate cramping that I felt was a bit harder than normal. Amanda ultrasounded me only to find a burden. A burden the exact size of the baby. It was about an inch long and looks similar to a black jellybean on the screen. A blood clot. Our hearts fell to the floor. It was like reliving a bad dream all over again. For all of you fellow "vintage" bloggers, I had a blog clot during the 1st trimester of the pregnancy with the twins. You can read that blog post here:

The Biggest Scare of All: January 2009

Luckily, I have not bled with this blood clot. And one week later, the ultrasound shows that baby is thriving, right on time in growth (so blood clot is not interfering with the nutrition of this baby), and the blood clot is diminishing quickly, as we could barely see it today.

It's a fighter who seems uneffected. And we've never had a pregnancy this healthy before. We have trusted God with His plan for us. We have trusted God with this miracle baby. And we have trusted that Eli has set this baby apart from all the others as a gift to us. We're going to have a baby. Special needs, disadvantaged, or healthy, whatever this baby may be, its ours. And we're ready.

Enjoy this video of the ultrasound today (if you are reading this by email, click here to view the video)

All because you didn't get what you prayed for doesn't mean God didn't answer your prayers!

Wordless Wednesday: You Can't Help But Smile

2010-09-08T11:34:00.002-05:00

How it All Came to Be

2010-09-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

So you all know the big news. Want to know what actually happened on Sunday, August 8th, 2010?

We celebrated the twins birthday that week. We kicked off the release of the Project E.L.I. Spina Bifida documentary that week. But the day that no one could really prepare us for was August 8th. It would mark the day our Lord and Savior freed Eli from all of his pains one year ago. What better way to spend the evening of the 7th was with the very 2 people we spent it with one year ago, Nurse Lindsey and Nurse Laura. We all sat in our pjs in our living room that night after the documentary, eating, drinking, and reminiscing about that exact moment one year ago. Except there was one thing missing: Eli. He was alive that very moment a year ago. We held his cold little body in 2 blankets, the thickest of socks, a hat, anything we could find to keep him warm because his body temperature was dropping rapidly by that point. The 4 (I mean 5 if you count Walker lying in his incubator) of us passed him around so that we could catch cat-naps. (The naps not including Nurse Laura because she was actually "working" as the nurse). Lindsey had not slept in 2 days because of our little miracle not letting go. But she chose to spend his last hours with us instead of going home. It was perfect.

Why perfect? How can your child's passing be perfect?

We wouldn't have done a thing different and for the amount of time we had for him and the assistance we had by some very hard working nurses, we didn't miss his last breath.

So on that Saturday night of the 7th, we tried to stay up to 2:30 a.m. (the time Eli took his very last breath) but we didn't make it. Laura and I made it until 1:30 a.m. but called it quits. I'm sure we all said a little prayer for Eli as we shut our eyes.

We awoke that next morning and Jesse, Walker, and I headed to church like our usual Sunday. We opted to go, hoping that it would be a comfortable scene for us, but worried it would not be with everyone aware of what day it was for us. But once again, it went down without a hitch and we met Nurse Laura and Lindsey for lunch in West Little Rock before they parted their own ways home for good.

After lunch, I was talking to Jesse on the way home about how badly I had been feeling that week, blaming it mostly on 'grief'. I assumed that was what was wearing me down. Not ever having had to bury a child before, I could only imagine the weariness that grief takes on ones body, as we've been dreading this day all year. But I had also mentioned to Jesse that I was a few days late. He pushed me to go to the store to buy a test. But my actual response to him was: "I don't feel like getting my feelings hurt today. Not today out of all days". And I meant every word of it. He assured me it would be fine but he wanted to rule that out.

(And note that yes, this would have been a very wanted and tried-for pregnancy. We just didn't think it would happen on its own without fertility treatments. For Pete's sake, we have 5 frozen embryos at the fertility clinic right now to use!)

And so we ran by the store.

We went home.

I took the test.

And we both dropped to our knees in smiles and disbelief.

It was a strong, immediate positive.

No nap for us that afternoon after all. We packed up Walker and headed to the cemetery to be with Eli.

And so we took one every day for a week to watch it get darker.

Its been such a positive response from everyone who we've told or has found out. So uplifting that Jesse and I both are just speechless, yet we feel like this is right for once. Eli sent us a gift. And I can only imagine him smiling up at Jesus as we watched that little line appear in our bathroom. Elijah Cole, that was supposed to be YOUR day, not ours! But you never cease but amaze us yet today.

I want to send a big THANK YOU to all of the emails, the cards, the phone calls in the past few weeks regarding Eli's passing and also the new baby on the way. Its you all who are making this exciting for us once again, when, in our hearts, we are scared to death. But we know, as we've once learned, that its all in God's plan for our lives. We have endured the worse. I just hope that this time its our time to enjoy.

Dear Lord, thank you for each of our blessings, both here on earth and in Heaven. We wait until the day that we can hold him in our arms forever, and we yearn to do so. We count our blessings with Walker here on earth and do not take one moment for granted with him. And for Baby M, well, I guess you knew all along. Thank you for holding us.

Due

2010-08-24T06:48:00.000-05:00

We knew that in due time, we would settle into our home with our brand new baby, not babies. Our hearts were in store for a lifetime of unsettling incompleteness. A twinless twin. Who would have thought?

We knew in due time that time would ease our hearts and our faith would save us from Satan and all that he can destroy after such a devestating tragedy. Our marriage was worth it. And we continue to fight it through.

In due time, we would be able to pray for things to be able to go our way for once in our lives. For us not to have to fight so hard to complete a normal life, like most do in a blink of an eye.

On August 8th, 2010, we mourned the 1-year loss of our beautiful twin son, Elijah Cole McGinley. And that same day, we discovered we were also given a gift in the same blink of an eye. Due not to fertility doctors. Due not to fertility meds. Due to God knowing what's best for our lives.

Spring is coming.

We're due.

Due April 2011

Now, ask me about miracles.

The Week of Eli

2010-08-13T16:16:00.000-05:00

After nearly a week to collect my thoughts on what had to have been the hardest week of my life, I still cannot find the words to say. Here is the order of our events of last week:

Saturday (31st): Walker's 1st Birthday Swim Party
Tuesday (3rd): The Twins actual Birthday/ Birthday Party at "Eli's House" (because I have a hard time saying cemetery)
Saturday (7th): Project E.L.I. Documentary Premiere
Sunday (8th): Eli's 1st Heaven Day/ KATV Channel 7 Interview. You can view it here: http://www.katv.com/global/category.asp?c=189703&autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=5012482&flvUri=&partnerclipid=

I've taken this week to catch up on embroidery orders, reflect on last week, talk to God a lot about his plan for my life, cherish our Walker Daniel, who gets funnier by the day. Last week was nothing short of spectacular in so many aspects. There's no one I would have rather spent that time with than with my family & friends who joined us. Incredible week.

On Saturday, August 7th, we joined efforts with Julie Mayberry in the Project E.L.I.: A Spina Bifida Documentary Premiere where over 200+ people joined our families in celebrating this spectacular event. I worried myself countless for days in what we were going to say in front of what already was going to be a huge crowd. I couldn't get my thoughts together to even write it out. But I must tell you that being "CARRIED" is not a term I use lightly and one that I believe in ever since August of last year. I've never known the feeling, nor had I ever sought it. God swooped us into his hands because He knew we were weak. He knew we could not carry through without Him. And He knew that our heads were not clear enough to make the best decisions. So He carried us through, as a Hero does those who are helpless. And I need to say that he did that for us on Saturday as well. Jesse and I stepped up on stage at a loss of what to say. But the words flowed graciously and we left that stage with our heads held high.

We went home Saturday evening understanding that at 2:30 a.m., we would officially run into Eli's journey back Home just a year ago.

I don't know why dates are so hard. They are just dates. But they have been brutal on the mind and on the heart.

Nurse Lindsey and Nurse Laura stayed the evening with us at home, just the (5) of us just like it was at that very moment one year ago in Walker's NICU room. Lindsey, Laura, Jesse, Myself, and our precious Walker in his incubator as we held Eli in our arms for those remaining hours...until 2:30 a.m. when he took his final breath. For what its worth, Saturday night was perfect; we laughed until our stomachs hurt, we cried briefly a few times, and we tried to stay up until 2:30 a.m. to make a wish to Eli but 2 of us only made it to 1:30 a.m. before we crashed. I'll cherish that night for the rest of our lives and I hope we continue this tradition next year.

But for every heartache, a gift is given. And something spectacular happened on Sunday that I'm not at liberty to talk about right now, but please know that God had a hand in it and miracles happen. We ask for unspoken prayers regarding this for Jesse & I. And also, my worries as a stay-at-home mom neatly circle around 'how long' I'm going to be able to do it before I have to go back to work to keep paying for our home. That prayer was answered this week too. He has been faithful in this journey and has continued to be even this week. This is a clear sign to us that we should continue our work in the Spina Bifida/Special Needs community and work with the upcoming I CAN! Arts & Resource Center, that, if you didn't hear, received the state grant for $200,000 to be built (also for the special needs community). This is going to be a huge deal for Central Arkansas and the Special Needs Community in area counties. We are thrilled to be creating Eli's Reflection Garden there and ecstatic to be a part of this center.

Spring is Coming in so many different directions. Hold on for the ride. Eli's work is not done yet!

Giveaway Winner!

2010-08-08T00:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Melanie Sparks,
You won our giveaway for our twin boys 1st birthday here on earth and in Heaven! I will be contacting you soon!

Thanks for everyone who entered the giveaway. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and getting to know your stories. And most of all, I'm humbled by the 'In Memory of' comments'.

Heaven Sent 1-Year Ago Today

2010-08-08T00:10:00.005-05:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Twinless Twin Reflection of their Birthday Together

2010-08-03T23:57:00.001-05:00

GIVEAWAY: Happy 1st Birthday Here & In Heaven

2010-07-31T00:03:00.000-05:00

And the time is here. This week, we will be celebrating the birth of our twin sons, Eli & Walker (Tuesday, August 3rd) and the passing of Eli (Sunday, August 8th). With that being said, this year has been a year of celebration of life for both of our twins as well as a celebration of giving life in Eli's organ donation. Its been a year of unity and faith. Tests and trials. And a year of education, with Project E.L.I. Documentary premiering next Saturday.

One of our dearest friends, Laura, who happened to step into our lives as Walker's NICU nurse at UAMS, has graciously ordered this bracelet from Ireland, in honor of Lily, a baby girl in Ireland born to soon, for our blog giveaway in memory of Eli. You can read more about Lily here. Or join their Facebook page: Forever our Angels

Charm Bracelet Giveaway Details:

To get one entry: Leave a comment

(make sure your name is visible. If your not signed in, make sure to leave an email address where we can contact you)

To get another entry: Join Forever our Angels Facebook page and comment again saying you did so.

To get another entry: Leave another comment in memory of a loved one.

You have up to 3 chances to win this giveaway!

The winner will be selected by an online random generator on

Eli's passing date, August 8th. This special bracelet is special to us and we hope it will be special to the winner as well.

Please link this blog up and pass the word along of a giveaway. This one is particularly special.

Happy Birthday Boys. Momma loves you so very much.

Welcome to Holland

2010-07-27T11:05:00.001-05:00

By Request, this if for a dear friend of mine, Lauren.

(Enjoy Walker D's 1st Birthday pictures as you read. And please remember us in your prayers this week as we inch up upon Eli & Walker's 1st birthday a week from today, August 3rd. I keep applying my brakes because I don't want to face these days but my brakes aren't working. And time keeps going. The best and worse week of our lives. Forever.)

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Pictures taken by Kaylie Long at http://kaylielongphotography.blogspot.com/

Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering

2010-07-19T11:44:00.000-05:00

Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering

Rock of Hope, River of Healing

July 9-11

Friends were made. Stories were told. Tears were shed. Letters were wrote. Diamonds were exchanged. Emails were given. Smiles were abundant. Hugs were everwhere. Gifts were given. Food was terrific. Approx. 250 bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings flew in from all across the USA to Little Rock this year for the Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering to mingle with others just like them.

Let me stress that this is definitely not a group that people dream of joining. It's not a vacation that people love to plan. In fact, this is a group that no one imagines themselves being a part of. But we are, in fact, a group of people reaching out for help, who have something so tragic in common that we find our dearest friends in this circle of people. These are the people that live to honor the lives of their children, although they left too soon. Suicide, accidents, illness, babies, toddlers, and teenagers. Even adults whose parents attend in honor of their child.

This is our safe place. A place where we all join because we understand each other without having to say a word.

We all cry.

We are all burdened with the thought of our Angels in Heaven when their birthday rolls around, each holiday, each cold or extremely hot day. We are the ones who visit our childrens graves and take things out to them and leave things on their graves because we feel like we are actually giving them something. We are the group of people that society hopes not to come across because if you 'ask' about how many children we have, or if you 'ask' about our lost child, we're going to tell you alllll about it. That is our life. For the rest of our lives.

We just love our children that much.

And we don't forget.

I had the dear honor of hosting a workshop at this national conference last weekend called "Moving Mountains through Heartache: Letting their Light Shine" where I had the chance to speak to 14 other adults who had lost a little one. In this workshop, I wanted to stress the importance of not letting their spirit die amongst the grief, but instead, whatever the cause that appealed to them and their baby to speak out about it. Make a donation to that charity each year on their birthday or get active in some way or another (prematurity = March of Dimes, heart condition = American Heart Association, etc.)

I was also honored to have one of my dearest friends, Regina, with Holy Sews , join me in this conference to explain to them why she made the decision she did to 'get active' after the tragic delivery of her son, Ryan. She brought out the tiny layette sets made for the babies of these extremely early deliveries so that pictures can be taken, these babies could be held by their families, and most of all, these babies, 18-23 weeks gestation, could be treated as they really were: babies. Not specimens. Regina turned her heartache and terrible experience at her hospital into a life changing venture for other mothers and families who would follow her footsteps. Holy Sews has now handed out over 400 layette sets to Arkansas hospitals and still growing. But our 1-hour workshop was only a drop in the bucket to the 3 days of packed workshops, speakers, meals, shopping, and time with other families.

The turning point of the conference for me was the Reflection Room. BP/USA designed a room for families to go to reflect, read, unwind, write letters to their loved ones on water-soluble paper and throw it in the fountain. "Do you have something you want to get off your chest? Something that has eaten you alive that you want your child to know but you just don't want anyone else to run upon your letter? I did. I had a secret. And I wanted to get my secret off my chest." said Linda, one of the BP/USA hosts during the announcement time at one of our meals. So I waited until Jesse could join me during the Saturday session to go up there and write our letters to Eli. I couldn't wait to get something off my chest that had been bothering me too. She was right. It was eating me alive. I found this to be VERY therapeudic. Jesse and I both sat down and wrote what we wanted Eli to know.

"Dear Eli...." we both wrote and off we went on our own sheets of water-soluble paper. And when we were done. We layed them on the waterfall and I snapped this quick photo of them. We didn't read each others, nor did we need to. We knew that whatever we wrote, it was needed for our own healing.

And then we placed them in the waterfall and it dissolved as fast as we blinked an eye. Eli had it then. Of course, Eli already knew. But humans need physical things to say they 'accomplished' something. Well, Jesse & I wrote Eli a note. We got it off of our chests. And Eli had the note now.

During the conference, we were to decorate diamonds (Arkansas is the diamond state) and hang them on the memorial wall. At the end of the conference, we were to exchange them with another family so that we could stay in touch if you wanted to. After I made Eli's diamond, I said I wasn't exchanging it with anyone. I wanted to bring it home and frame it. But little did I know that I would meet a couple who will forever remain near and dear to my heart. Shannon and Sara lost their little girl, Abby, to an illness 2 years ago. And the even stranger thing is, Jesse and Sara went to school with each other in Junior High. They live relatively close to us and I'm thrilled about this. We exchanged diamonds, against my earlier wishes. But I know that Eli's diamond is in a good place, as Abbys is too. We have Abby's hanging in Walker's room. I've found a tremendous amount of comfort in her diamond in there. I see it daily and am reminded that Jesus asked that we not walk this walk alone, but to seek him and his Grace when we feel weak. "

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!~ 2 Corinthians 4:17

A facebook friend of mine posted that verse this morning as her status message on facebook. I love it when I see surprises like that. That is a verse that has lifted my spirits today. And its right. Things that seem hopeless today. People that will come and go out of our lives. Troubles that seem to be overwhelming will not matter at the end of our "day" when we face our Lord and Savior. All he asks is that we live right and trust Him.

Trust Him.

For more information on the Bereaved Parents of the USA, please check out:

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/

Project E.L.I. Documentary: A Spina Bifida Story

2010-07-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

This premier is scheduled for

August 7th, 2010

Little Rock.

4:00 p.m.

Its Free! And for more information or if you planning to attend, please contact:

casey@teameli.com

Dinner will be served immediately after documentary and we would love to have an accurate headcount a week before hand.

We will have a Team Eli tshirt table set up to sell.

And yes! We are still raising money for the

I CAN! Dance Arts and Resource Center

for Special Needs children!

So this would be a great time to pick up your Team Eli tshirt if you haven't placed your order already!

Team Eli has a HUGE announcement coming soon!

Mr. Grief & (Good) Grief

2010-07-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

My appologies for not being on top of the bloggy world in the past month. Where I'm used to posting 10 posts a month at a minimum, last month, I believe 4 posts was my total. And if I'm being completely honest, my heart hearts. And I've found it hard to post.

So its my time. We are creeping up on the boys 1st birthday next month. We're planning for the Project E.L.I. Spina Bifida Documentary next month. And I'm planning for that dreaded 1-year mark of Eli's passing. Its all in the same week. And I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions.

The best way I know how to describe it, well, every time I think about this full week of events, I feel like I can't breath.

My stomach hits the floor, I feel sick, and I can't breath. I don't want to remember all of those emotions, memories, thoughts again. Not that I don't do it everyday already. But something about those dates just turn my stomach. Is this what its like? Is this what it is going to be like every year for the rest of my life?

Ok, Mr. Grief, you can take it easy on this heart. She's been running all-year-long and has been fine. Maybe more like a rock. (I can call myself that since I come from a rock genetics. My mom = rock solid. And this is the first time in my life I've ever felt like one. The first time I've ever felt like I've had something in common with my mom. Mush-mellon Me is now Mush-rock. I still have the tendency to cry, but most days, I don't. I'm a rock. And rocks don't cry.)

Ok, back to Mr. Grief.

Mr. Grief, why take over this heart now? We've held our own all year long. We've continuously figured things out without seeking your services. And now? You want to kick in now? Is it their birthday? Or is this what every parent of a Angel faces this time of year? Whatever the case, please, oh please take it easy on this heart. Walker D needs an awesome 1st birthday. Momma needs a smile on her face. And everyone needs to know she's ok.

Mr. Grief, we have 2 parties to be planned. I have cakes to make. I have invitations to mail. Go away. I'm too busy for this. I'm choosing to celebrate and not sulk. They are both reasons to celebrate. Miracles are made to be celebrated. Let me celebrate!

Mr. Grief, God tells me in Micah 7:7-8 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. He does hear me. And because he's opened doors for me, because he shows his presence each time I begin to question and get down, I've been picked back up and assured that this purpose is that of his plan, not mine. And not yours. So go away.

Mr. Grief, you have made your presence very strong lately. Even the thought of August brings tears to these tired eyes. I know I have the potential to have the hardest cry of all at any moment. But no thanks, please, just take it easy on this half & half Momma. She's already confused as to what she's supposed to do. And how she's supposed to grieve. So tread nicely, ok?

I know you are a healthy, normal part of life, Mr. Grief. I know this is your job. I know you are supposed to do this. I didn't ask for this. I don't need this. But since you are around for the long-haul, surround me, my heart with friends who can grieve with me. Friends who will just understand and not judge. Friends who I may not know in person or friends that I don't see often, to just pray for me that week. Maybe their prayers will keep our grief in a positive light, like they have done all along.

We need our heads raised and our path in the right direction, like it has been this year. No turning back now. This is your new name: (Good) Grief. (Good) Grief will keep our eye on the prize. We are to do what is pleasing in HIS eyes. (Good) Grief, please light our world. Please keep us shielded in the rest of our earthly life from more hurt. And help us make the *right* decision as we talk about extending our family. Fear has eaten our lunch in that discussion alone. We can't go through that kind of hurt again.

(Good) Grief, you can stay around. Mr. Grief, stay home. I'm too busy to entertain you and your negative friends. We have celebrations to plan!

Sincerely,
Jodie

He Really is Here.

2010-06-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

For those of you who remember back around April, I had posted this sweet picture of the sock monkeys that Jesse's sister had made for the boys. These monkeys are a staple in Walker D's bedroom and we'll always cherish them. Right now, they are sitting on top of the crib below Walker D's name on the wall. Yesterday, after laying Walker D down for his 4:00 p.m. nap, I walked in to check on him. And I saw this:

Somehow, Eli's monkey had fallen into the crib.

They were snuggling.

It's the simple things that remind me that Eli is everywhere. He's not gone. He's not forgotten

He really is here.

Angels Moving Mountains

2010-06-14T21:01:00.001-05:00

We've been stunned. Heartbroken. Speechless. And I've put off writing about this because it absolutely broke my heart to even think about writing this. But we owe it to him. And today, this morning, I woke up and decided today was the day.

Last week, on Thursday, June 3rd, 2010, one of our dearest friends passed away unexpectedly. None of us wanted to believe it. And all of us kept shaking our heads wondering why. Why was this to be for one of the worlds best souls? Danny T was one of the most generous, most compassionate men that has ever crossed into my life. He had a lot of qualities that my own father, who passed too soon, had as well. Danny T was well liked, had friends from one direction of the country to another, would give you the shirt off his back, and loved music and children. And he served as the Santa Clause each year for different organizations around the state. Replaceable? Never. Santa passed away last week.

I've never seen a man love his wife as much as he loved Pam. Never had I heard a cross word come out of his mouth about her, nor anyone for that matter. He loved her dearly and it was certainly admirable. Danny T & Pam lived their life loving the people who surrounded them, doing everything together, creating a testimony of absolute and true love for each other. I have a lot to learn from Pam. And Jesse and I will strive to follow the path that they have laid forth. I believe in our circle of friends, we all have something to take with us from the both of them for the rest of our lives.

Through our years of friendship, Danny T & Pam followed us all throughout the emotions, from the top to the bottoms. Through the heartache and the joys. They were there, ready to catch us if we fell. After Eli's passing, it was they that jumped in to make sure that our transition home with 1 baby went smoothly. I believe and will always believe that his passing was just as devestating to them as it was Jesse & I. It was then that Jesse & I learned to not take things for granted. And it was then that I realized that Danny T always gave you a hug and a "Love you guys" anytime we parted ways.

It was quite an honor to have Danny T as a tremendous part of our lives. He is and will always be one of the most happy, most loving, most influential lives we will ever know.

I am also excited/honored to say that Pam made the decision to give the GIFT OF LIFE. There is no such greater gift than this. And she received her letter from ARORA this week stating that Danny T will save up to 50 lives with his donation of tissues and bones. Danny T will forever be carried on. She told me this week that he, too, was an organ donor on his drivers license.

Pam also had in leiu of flowers, that memorials be made to Team Eli at Peoples Bank in Danny T's name. This broke my heart in half. Danny T, who was Eli's biggest fan, had just raised several hundred dollars for Team Eli the week before. The garden will forever hold a piece of Danny T. And we hope to have Pam help us in its creation when blueprints for it are underway. Pam has unselfishly thought of others through her time of grief both through ARORA (Arkansas Regional Organ Recovery Agency) and with Team Eli memorials for Danny T. We vow to hold her close, as she and Danny T always were to us, because she is our family still.

Danny T & Eli, you are moving mountains from Heaven.

It's Here: Project E.L.I. Documentary Premier

2010-06-14T19:14:00.000-05:00

You are cordially invited to the premier of

on Sat., Aug. 7 at 4 p.m.

Springlake Church of the Nazarene.

21607 N. Springlake Rd.

Hensley, AR 72065

(located in the East End Community located in South Little Rock)

The video presentation is made possible through the generosity of those who loved Eli McGinley. He only lived five days but made a huge impact on the world around him. This event will celebrate his birth, Aug. 3, 2009, and honor his legacy he left behind on Aug. 8, 2009.

Project: ELI is a video documentary that will be distributed to ob/gyns, pregnancy crisis centers, hospitals and other organizations throughout the state of Arkansas to help give families, who are expecting a child with spina bifida, hope, encouragement and advice from other families who have been in their shoes. For the past three years, Julie Mayberry, the producer of the video and mother of a child with spina bifida, has been interviewing families of children with spina bifida and capturing family moments.

There are a lot of questions that come with the pre-natal diagnosis. The video is not meant to be a substitute to medical information, but is a compliment to the information the family will receive from their team of medical professionals.

We do hope you can join us.

Your presence would be greatly appreciated.

Please RSVP to casey@teameli.com

Breathless

2010-06-02T09:05:00.001-05:00

My Dearest Walker Daniel,

I hope you know how much I love you. I want you to grow up knowing how special you really are. You will be 10 months old tomorrow. Each morning during your 10 months, I've woken up in awe of our God, in awe of the path He sent us down to get there, and in awe of the road he's paving. It's left me breathless.

You and your brother have brought some pretty incredible people into our lives. You know, the ones who leave that imprint and quickly become our friends. The ones who treat you like family. They knew you and Eli before you were ever here. They knew all about you before you knew you. These are the ones, because they are some of the few who met Elijah, that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. And for that, your daddy and I are thankful.

You went to your 1st boy/girl party last weekend. It was Merrett's 3rd birthday party (aka Ice Cream Social). It was a big hit...minus the baby boy's head you ran into with your walker. That doesn't count, Walker D. You don't ram kids in the head. And he wasn't competition. He was only a few weeks old! We need to talk about this in the future before more boy/girl parties!

You left us laughing.

No matter what goes wrong, you make it all right. You make me realize day-by-day that some things aren't as important as I thought they were. I don't worry about, well, most of the small stuff any more. Really, all that matters is health. And happiness. You make me wiser.

Do you think about your brother often? I wonder if you see him in your dreams. Your Momma's only seen him twice in hers. And he was perfect, WD. I just know that is how you see him too. Not a flaw on his body. And a peaceful grin across his face. The images we remember from August are becoming less brilliant and less familiar. Now it seems like we're holding on to the *thought* of imcompleteness. Your daddy and I feel hurt as we inch towards your 1st birthday. Hurt because we feel that you've been shorted the chance to know and to see the other piece of you. This is when we feel conquered.

The closer we come to you being able to realize the reality of your life without your brother makes me feel like its harder to breath. I must say, its like I'm suffocating because I don't want to have to explain this. I don't want to have to show you his picture. I don't want to have to teach you his name. I don't want to have to celebrate your 1st birthday without him by your side. But we WILL make it a special day for the both of you. We will and we always will. Its the best we can do.

Your brother's documentary is coming up soon in August as well as our trip to Las Vegas in September to hear his case at AWHONN thanks to some very special people out there. These are a few of the many things in the works that your brother has somehow left his mark on. These are the things that are keeping our head above water. You are part of a special little man educating others all around the world. You must know that you make us proud. And you make him proud too.

I love you, Walker. I love the life you've given me and the hope you've allowed me to have, even after tragedy.

Love,

Momma

Raising Support! by the Barnes Family

2010-05-18T22:32:00.000-05:00

Today, I was very much surprised to receive a notification on Facebook that I had been tagged in a note by a friend of a friend, whose name is Rachel. Rachel is a nurse at Arkansas Children's Hospital and a dear friend to our very own Nurse Lindsey. Rachel and Ken delivered twin boys back last year and these 2 miracles are alive and well today. Luke has battled quite a few health issues due to prematurity but Jack is doing well. I had known of Rachel for a long time through Lindsey but was honored to get to meet her a few weeks ago during Nurse Lindsey's Daisy Award ceremony at ACH.

In this Facebook note, Rachel expressed how she and her husband have been led to help us get to Las Vegas to the AWHONN Conference to hear Eli's medical case presented. She has started a fundraiser on our behalf. What a surprise this was, so much so that as I read it to Jesse, we looked at each other in question because we couldn't believe that people really do care about others hearts-

We might actually get to hear/see Eli's medical case after all. (click here to read last post on what happened)

Is this really happening?

I think I will wake up in the morning and believe this was all a dream....

The thought of not being able to go to this conference has set in quite well the past few days and what a lip-picker-upper this is to us.

So I am passing this along, not in attempt to help raise money for our trip, but to encourage you to read a bit about the Barnes's story and to see for yourself what an incredible act of kindness this family is doing so that our hearts can celebrate our Eli's life a few thousand miles away. People really do pull through for you. This is just incredible!

Thank you Rachel, Ken, and everyone for your LOVE, your COMPASSION, your GENEROSITY. Where would we be without people like you? You are making our lifetime of grieving so much easier to bare. I do hope we are able to return the favor to each of you one day.

Here is what they wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Raising Support!

I want to start out by saying that I normally don't send out massive links/letters for financial support. I will pass along prayer requests anytime but raising money is different. Ken and I have decided that we both feel pressed to help this family.
Jodie and Jesse have touched our lives with their ability to turn a tragedy into something meaningful. There are many days that I read what they are doing to remember the life of their baby boy and I just cry because I am so touched and amazed. Ken and I almost lost Luke several times and I am sure that we would not have handled it with as much grace, strength, and inspiration as Jodie and Jesse. Many times I read the words that are written and think "this could have been our heartbreak very easily. One single moment and a turn for the worse and we could have been writing how we lost Luke."
The reason that I am writing this letter is because we want to help them get to Las Vegas! I know what you are thinking- Las Vegas, why would they need a fund raiser to go to Vegas! Their son's medical case was going to be presented in Nashville, TN in June at the Opryland Hotel. The flooding has changed those plans and it is now going to be in Vegas. Jodie and James were going to go to Nashville since it would be easy to drive but now they are not able to go due to limited income! (Ken and I understand because we too are a one-income family!). The AWHONN Conference is scheduled for the last weekend of September and they will present Eli's case and use his story to educate others.
Jodie, Jesse, and Walker (Eli's twin brother) could use this trip as a much needed vacation but also get to see their son's short life being used for a purpose. In one of Jodie's blogs she wrote:
We accepted Eli for what we 'thought' was to come. But even when it wasn't what we were told, we accepted that he was created for a reason. And one of the last things I told Eli as I held him in my arms was to 'come back to me', meaning I wanted to know he was alive in that other baby (they did ARORA). I wanted to know he was serving his purpose.
Jodie and Jesse have done many things to make Eli's short life have a purpose including:

1. Donating to ARORA
2. Team Eli- To educate Spina Bifida Awareness & Organ Donation
3. Project E.L.I. Documentary to be released Summer 2010.
4. Eli's Garden of Hope & Dreams-- for I CAN! Dance Arts & Resource Center
5. did an interview with KARK

and much more.........
Any amount would be appreciated. We hope to raise enough to be able to purchase plane tickets and hotel rooms for them. I would love to have it all together by the end of July. Pray about it and see where God leads you!

Thanks!
Rachel and Ken Barnes
raebarnes@hotmail.com

Here are the links to read about their story:
http://mcginleybabyjourneystory.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-it-all-began.html

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/note.php?note_id=102012769842079

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Click here to read the Barnes's Blog:
http://barnesupdate.blogspot.com/2010/05/raising-support.html

Click here to read the Facebook Note:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/note.php?note_id=429791116328&id=515550140&ref=mf

In Christ,

Cookie Monster & a Conference

2010-05-17T12:38:00.001-05:00

So yea, I'm pretty weak to those icing-stuffed mounds of goodness at the local supermarket. My momma used to buy those for us when we were kids and I'm still a huge fan of them today. Its 2 large chocolate chip cookies stuffed with buttercream icing. Delicious.... And I couldn't pass up the opportunity to buy one for our very own WD when I saw one in Searcy at the store while visiting with my parents. But this one was even better. Want to know why? IT HAD SUGAR TEETH.

Observe:

Needless to say, WD loved it and I was excited to see him dig into his cookie monster. Every kid deserves one of these.

One a more basic note, our April Team Eli tshirt fundraiser proved to be a success. 209 tshirts were sold and have now all been bagged up and delivered, mailed, or in the process of. WD had to give his blessing on all of the tshirts...along with graham cracker smears all through the tshirts (sorry if yours included a *suprise*). But its ok. We couldn't have helped but to have laughed. It's the little things...

Last week, we ran into one of our favorite people on this earth, Shannon Barringer, from UAMS. Shannon was our Genetics Counselor with Dr. Wendel after we were diagnosed with Eli's condition at 20-weeks. She was an absolute pleasure to work with then, and now we call her our friend. Shannon will be presenting Eli's medical case at this years National AWHONN Conference (Association of Womens Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses). This conference is where nurses and medical personnel go to receive educational credits as well as meet with vendors, hear medical stories and meet others all over the nation in their same kind of work. We were honored weeks ago when Shannon emailed us and explained that she and Stephanie W., the clinics Nurse Practicioner who we saw often, had been selected to speak at this national conference. She asked if it would be ok with us for her to present Eli's case and pictures as her topic she used for her presentation. Of course we were thrilled and love the thought that he could *possibly* educate someone who may be put in the healthcare path of taking care of a family like Jesse & I. This year, the conference was to be held at Opryland in Nashville, TN. As I was explaining this to Jesse, he said "Why don't we go. It's only a 5 hour drive." Neither one of us had been to Nashville before and I've always wanted to see Opryland for myself. And bigger than anything, our times of Eli's name ever being mentioned is drawing to a close soon. As this breaks our hearts, we grab at the chance to hear it one more time. This conference was to be held in June close to our anniversary date so after negotiation with AWHONN representatives, we decided that we could save up enough money to go overnight. I was thrilled....until...

Opryland Flooded 2 weeks ago-

They said it was going take atleast until October before Opryland reopens. So AWHONN had to reschedule for a different location and date. So in the past week while we were awaiting word, we were also praying hard that it would be relocated in a place that was driveable for us; Dallas, St. Louis, even maybe Kentucky? We can drive to Kentucky. Nope. We just received the word that its now going to take place in Las Vegas, Nevada in September. Heartbroken. We are just heartbroken. Las Vegas is not driveable for us nor can we afford to get there via plane, considering this stay-at-home Momma doesn't receive that nice paycheck she used to receive when she was working. AWHONN will go on, Eli's case will be presented. And we will not be there.

But there is good that will come of this; we just know it. We're so proud of our baby boy for having such an incredible medical story to be used as an educational purpose. On Monday, September 27th, our thoughts will be with Shannon, Stephanie, and that auditorium of listeners. I will pray that the words that are spoken on the microphone, the pictures of Eli's back on the big screen, and the message will all be relayed to these listeners that they will comprehend it clearly and be able to pass the information along or use it when they come in contact with a similar family in their professional future. I'll pray that Eli reaches out to their hearts so that these nurses and doctors can become as compassionate as our medical personnel were to us in our rare instance last year. And I'll pray that Shannon and Stephanie are surrounded with great courage to overcome any jitters they may have as they present to 600-900 people in that auditorium.

We are proud of you, Eli. Very proud.

I'm Watching You!

2010-05-17T01:42:00.000-05:00

Love,

Walker

With & Without You: 1st Mother's Day

2010-05-10T17:46:00.000-05:00

I had very neutral feelings as the days progressed closer to my 1st Mother's Day. I'm a very good predictor as to how these holidays are going to go for me since August. This one, not so much. Thrilled and sad, nervous but calm. I believe *reflective* would be the most appropriate word for the occassion. I just keep thinking about what I was doing about this time last year. Last year, on Mother's Day, MY 1st Mother's Day in my mind, I was a glowing mother-to-be. The stormy waters were beginning to calm by this point and I was settling happily on what was *about* to be. I consider this time last year the point where I grabbed Jesus's hand He began to walk me down the path of FAITH to show me all that there was to see. As I began to see FAITH, I also was shown that my BELIEF wasn't as strong as I thought it was. So He lead me down a stronger, brighter road where FAITH and BELIEF brought me back to my KNEES. This is exactly where I should have been in the 1st place.

I've been reflecting on the amount of peace that over-came me at this point last year. My peace and My Jesus also came hand-in-hand. I no longer woke up in the mornings and questioned Why, but instead began to wake up and prayed Thank You. And I am still doing that, 1 year later, regardless of if things didn't work out the way they should have or not. *Should have* isn't always God's plan for our lives. And I'm well aware now. Now, I'm just grateful for what we were given.

And here I am. A mother of a twin boy but always a mother of twins boys, married to my college sweetheart going on 6 years. A beautiful home, a pretty cool dog. Surrounded by huge family and some incredible friends. Our venture to create our family began like any normal couple. But it ended with many bumps in the road. We walked into parenthood not taking an inch of Walker for granted. Not every parent can stake a claim like that. And this year, I celebrate my very 1st Mother's Day with & without you.

I woke up Sunday morning knowing I wanted to take WD out to see his brother and blow bubbles after church. I can only hope that its what we would be doing on Mother's Day anyways. So we did just that: we did it anyways....with brother. And you loved them.

Walker Daniel, you have made me the happiest Momma on the earth. I will always be here with you, to protect you, to guide you, just as our Lord promises He will do with us each time we fall. For years, I have heard parents say they couldn't imagine life without their children. For someone to hear that and not know what its like, its uncomprehendable what they are talking about. I can say that I remember what life without you was like. I remember wishing to be a Momma endless mornings and evenings, even to the point of crying in the mornings because I just didn't want to face the day. I remember the point of no hope that I had when all else was failing. It was You that God was holding for me. It was You that would give us hope again. It was You that Eli journeyed to this earth to deliver to us from God. And you make our life worth living in the path that God wants us to walk. There is truly no greater love than this.

I wake up each morning to you giggling on the baby monitor. You give me a huge buck-tooth grin when I reach for you over the crib. I sing to you as I change that first diaper of the morning and you kick and giggle simply because you are a happy baby. You have begun to follow me around the house in your walker and you think its funny when the dog follows you around, when he is simply picking up all of your treats you drop in the floor. You take about 2 naps a day in your big boy crib and you love to be outdoors, just like your daddy. Dr. Irwin said last week at your 9-month checkup that your eyes were going to remain multi-colored. Hazel she said? They look teal to me, which I know your brother would have loved, considering his signature colors are orange and teal. Would your eyes just not decide if they wanted to be big and brown like mine or blue/green like your dads? Or did God know what he was doing when he created you to look half and half exactly like your Momma and Daddy so your eyes did too? You are perfect. Just perfect.

Thank you for making my 1st Mother's Day mine, Walker Daniel. And thank you for seeing to it that for Mother's Day, that I have a piece of you to enjoy here on earth, Elijah Cole. This was a special day for me this year, with & without you.

And Jesse, I couldn't possibly forget about you. This year is different from the last and all previous years. This year, we are finally parents. Thank you for making it special for me. I loved my flowers and ice cream cake..............................and my mini shop vac?

Love,

Momma

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